Welcome to the official thread for the misadventures of Eileen and Ragr. This first page is a recap of the events that have transpired. I cut and pasted it from a previous thread so as to not interrupt the actual topic. Consider every post rather long, feel free to participate, find a character and join the fun, or just leave a comment or two, or three (hopefully a positive one).
Eileen said:
Ok Ragr, I'm calling you out. City of Greyhawk, Free City Arena, Sunsebb 1, 2:00. I'll bring my champion, Ariel Champion of Heironeous, you bring yourself (if you dare), or whatever kobold that keeps you as a pet. I'll understand if you don't show up, fear the wrath of Istus. Your fate is not good. Make your peace with whatever deity you claim to serve.
I listen to Kim Wilde, have since 1981. I started playing D&D in the early 80's and so I listened to a lot of her, still do. Some of my best games of old had her music in the background. Oh, at least I HAVE a theme song? What's yours? Oh, don't have one, hmmmm. Perhaps you will get one for Christmas this year. The paladin has a theme song as well.....Another one bites the dust, sure your up to the challenge now?
So the idea of playing Come on Eileen is silly huh. Hey, it will become my 4th edition powersource (if I ever play, NOT!).
It appears that you are from England, always wanted to go there and visit. By the way, Come on Eileen is not a Kim Wilde song it is Dexy's Midnight Runners, what did you do, miss your Knowledge check? She is after all from England as well. I take it your not a fan? Forgivable but my heart is saddened.
And as far as Huey Louis and the news being the god of bards well....have you ever heard the song I've want a new drug......so maybe.....he's elevated to godhood.
Ariel can't wait to kick your backend!
Ragr replied:
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Ha! Ragr laughs at your feeble challenge, as he sits in his Hobbit hole beside a warm fire counting mushrooms. What sort of crazy fool would be out in this weather waving cold metal around? Paladins? Ha! I've robbed 'em for breakfast.
By the way, I don't need no stinking theme tune. Totally ruins your Move Silently.
Which gods do I serve? Whichever one pays the most.
Having said that, I did say surreal and not silly. And, you know, as tough as I am, it doesn't pay to offend prophets. So you carry on and boogie away in 80's wonderland (like grunge never happened). I did know it was Dexy's and not the Wilde (mild) child, it was a translation error. Being a Halfling (and not at all nomadic, living in a wagon and all that Wotc nonsense) it's difficult typing when the keys are so huge.
Anyway, I promise to chuck a copper piece in the collection box at the next temple of Istus I, er......visit, that's the word. And while you're waiting in the arena I'm assuming there's nobody at home. Interesting.
And then she said:
Your going to need those mushrooms in order to avoid feeling any pain the paladin plans on dishing out, that is unless your admitting error and defeat. I haven't left the temple yet either, since the duel is a few days away. If your not planning on meeting us I think I'll enjoy another slice of roasted duck here at the temple. However, in an effort to solve this dilema in a diplomatic manner, I offer, free of charge, an atonement spell for your past deeds of unlawful acquistions.
I think a theme song would be appropriate for you, we could just turn down the volume a bit in order to not interfere with your stealth, or perhaps you could wear headphones. Nobody will hear you coming.
It's nice to hear that you have converted to Istus. You said you worship whichever god pays the most. Clearly, your future and eventual fate is worth the most. I suppose I could put in a good word for you if you'd like?
My bad, I misinterpreted the word "surreal".
I can understand the difficulty of typing when the keys are large for your fingers, as nimble as I'm sure they are. Perhaps we could put big gloves on to make it easier for you.
The subject of the thread was how they are incorporating and changing Greyhawk deities into 4th edition. As far as I can see, our conversation has been 100% relavent to that discussion. We have after all, been discussing religions (Istus and Heironeous). So far I haven't heard anything about Istus being drawn into the 4th edition mix (let's pray it doesn't happen). If it does, I will be looking for a good rogue to sneak into their headquarters and acquire or alter their well laid plans in an effort to stop this injustice. Know of any that are up to the challenge?
And Ragr thought it was a good idea to say:
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Ah! A job. What's the pay? And don't give me any of that it's good for the soul nonsense. Actually, if it involves messing with the High Tower of Wotc, Ragr may well be up to a bit of pro bono Roguery.
Atonement? Ragr only regrets the things he hasn't done.
If I have a theme tune and wear headphones I'm just going to end up like one of those annoying commuters you get on buses and trains. If I was to choose one, however, it would have to be Peter Gabriel's "Intruder".
I will join you in prayer, if you don't mind a godless heathen beside you that is, in wishing that the Lords of the Ivory Tower have the good grace to leave Istus, and as many of the other Greyhawk deities as possible, out of their 4e fluff.
With your reputation and wisdom, Eileen, you must know a mage who can design me a set of Gloves of Typing? They'll be well rewarded.
Or not.
OF coarse Eileen's response was:
The job pays well indeed. Think of all of RPG industrial secrets you will access and can slowly sell off in order to insure your place in Greyhawk history. They abandonded Greyhawk, so we (you) infiltrate them. Seems like a middle of the road neutral response (oops, I'm lawful too, darn, now what?).
Oooh, Oooh, I know! I bet if we influence the Oligarchy of Greyhawk City they will agree that such an effort could indeed save the World of Greyhawk. What greater, more noble cause could there be?
Since you have yet to lay low their imperial tower of evil I guess you must regret it. Cleanse the soul, do what you must. The Gods of Greyhawk support your efforts and hereby grant this quest. They are all concerned that they will get drawn into this 4th edition mess and want no part of it as well (except Tharizdun, he's all for destroying Greyhawk anyway).
I hear bards are already writing songs about you. Of coarse these songs take into consideration that you will succeed while others assume you will fail. Hey, maybe if you succeed a future Greyhawker will use one of these as their theme song. Wouldn't you like to be a theme song for some upcoming great rogue? I guess if you do we would have to make a new Rogues Gallery.
We could put you on a communter train with the headphones but if I'm not mistaken, won't someone think your from Ebberon?
Glove of Typing, hmmm. As I look into my background I do know a certain mage who use to frequent the Greyhawk area quite a bit when he was younger. Seems to me he associated himself with someone named Gary. On the Day of the Great Signing in Greyhawk City I got a little to close to the fireworks (so to speak) and he pulled me aside in a nick of time. Coarse I was just a kid at the time. I'll see what I can do.
This post will self destruct in 5 seconds. Ooops, wrong game!
And then Mort jumped in:
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That must've been the silliest exchange I've ever seen on these forums. Please, carry on.
And so we carried on some more. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:34 pm; edited 5 times in total
And so Eileen thanked Mort:
Ok Mortellan, you just made me laugh. And honestly, that doesn't happen near as much as I wished it would. Thanks!
And Ragr felt left out:
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Now that's just totally unfair. I get misquoted using the word "silly", when I actually said surreal, and suddenly I'm public enemy number one with the faithful of Istus. Mort calls the entire exchange silly and he gets thanks. It's because I'm small isn't it. Well, I've had just enough of this. I've been threatened with Paladins; been told that I need an Atonement, and mentioned in the same sentence as, gasp, Eberron. Why don't you just go the whole hog and tell me that I was born in the Forgotten Realms. I've never been so insulted since the time I was asked (told) to join that annoying guild in The Free City.
Well, I'm going to break into that tower. And I'm going to steal all their secrets and, what's more, I'm not going to tell any of youse lot what I find.
Unless I'm threatened with something really painful.
Whereupon, I might negotiate.
I tried to make him feel better:
Now....Now....Ragr, it isn't that bad. I apologized for misunderstanding you...see my daddy's money didn't buy that great of an education. I'd hardly call you public enemy #1, you and I both know who that really is. By the way, I'm am glad to hear that you have accepted this quest. Will you be doing it alone or will you be in need of 7 other companions? Please be careful upon entering the infamous tower however, I hear that they have 4.5 edition robotic guards patrolling the hallways. Now I understand your upset...but really withholding information from your fellow Greyhawkers....that's just not right. What if you discover that Greyhawk City is next to vanish...you wouldn't tell us?
I'm sorry to hear that you feel inadequate over your size. I'm sure with therapy you can overcome your shortcomings. Would you like me to schedule an appointment with the Guild of Adventure Inadequacies, I believe they have an office in Clerkburg, on University Street in Greyhawk City.
I don't think it is really accurate to say that you were threatened by paladins, it was after all just one, and it wasn't really a threat at all. Maybe she just wanted to get her hands all over you. As far as that Atonement thing, well there must be something your feeling guilty about. Perhaps that "size issue" is manifesting because of some deeply buried guilt your holding inside.
You weren't really born in the Forgotten Realms were you? Gosh, I had no idea, I'm sorry....more therapy? I thought you'd appreciate the Ebberon comment. After all, throw some headphones on, listen to your theme song on their lightning commuter train thingy and nobody would suspect that your actually a master rogue from Greyhawk. I noticed you dropped a name....thieve's guild...hmmm.... your not thinking about shaking down my temple now are you?
I thanked Mort because he sent me that wonderful map a while back. By the way Mort, I followed your map and I couldn't find a single 5 star inn along the way. Some travel agent you turned out to be. I didn't realize I was getting the economy travel package deal. Next time let's upgrade to 1st class ok?
You guys are to funny!
And Ragr got his first job:
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Work with a group of adventurers? Normally I'd have no qualms about working with others but lately I've noticed an alarming trend amongst adventurers; absolutely no sense of humour. The last mob I worked with tried to lynch me. My crime? Taking treasure on a "the amount of work done" basis. Without me they would still be outside. How do you halt a company of adventurers dead in their tracks? Put a mysterious door in front of them. Or, any door. So, thanks for the offer, Eileen, but I like my collar size as it is.
4.5 robots? Bring it on. Bring on 10e for all I care. I've made it all the way from 1st and have the yellow character sheet to prove it. With lots of holes in from all the rubbing out I've had to do.
You don't really think I'd hold out on you, do you? Greyhawkers, fear not.
The secrets of the Tower of Self Importance shall be broadcast from the top of the Wizard's Guild as soon as I've pilfered them. And managed to find a way to the top of the Guildhall. Without being toasted by that Jalfrezi woman. Hmnn! Starting to get hungry.
Your Paladin wants to get her grubby mitts on me? You know, once she's been turned to the dark side there's no way back into Heironeous' good books. Me like!
Eberron sounds horrible. Hell on Oerth. Or Forgotten Realms as it's called around here.
Must eat.......Fading away........Bring curry now.....
I tried to help him out:
You know, there is 6 hour time differance between us and I'm am still up posting here. I think I have a compulsive disorder. If you've really been around since 1st edition you should go back to Web Comic and check out my dragon analysis.
Again, I'm suppose to be impressed?
We know you wouldn't hold out on fellow Greyhawkers. You just like to talk tough.
Since your uncertain how to find your way to the top of the Wizard's Guildhall, let me help you.
Get a copy of the Expedition to the Ruins of Greyhawk, turn to page 89 and start reading. It will tell you exactly how to do it. Jeez....and I'm not even a rogue and I figured that out.
So do you want to find out what the paladin looks like? If you do I can try and set it up for you. really I can. She's attractive, I think you'd like her.
Naturally he took my advice:
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I've got that supplement on my shelf gathering dust waiting to be read. Page 89 eh! Suckers.
Your Paladin is beginning to sound a little scary. I think I'll pass.
What do you mean by web comic? I'm obviously getting a little slow in my dotage.
It's done, then. When page 89 is read, Ragr is going in. Beware, pen-pushing game designing types, the 'hawkers have a fearsome champion, and he brings upon you the fury that is stinging criticism. And what's more, he brings it direct to your lair, in the guise of a Halfling. 37lbs of pure vitriol and venomous contempt for your game tinkering ways.
I just have to finish this sandwich.
And so I cheered him on:
So you getting old are you? Webcomic 3.0, the other thread we have beeen bantering on. Actually the paladin is pretty nice, I wasn't even being sarcastic when I offered to introduce you or when I said she was attractive, although she is quite a bit taller than you.
So what kind of sandwich are you eating?
In celebration of your finally getting off the tree and doing something, I came up with a little cheer for you.
Who's the halfling with all the stealth....
Ragr...Ragr....
Who's the rogue with all your wealth?
Ragr....Ragr....
Who's the thief who will rob you blind....
Ragr...Ragr....
Who's the cutpurse you will never find....
Ragr....Ragr...
Who's that sneak who will always walk?
Ragr....Ragr...
Who's that burglar who will save the hawk?
Ragr...Ragr...
Yay.....Ragr.
Which Ragr apparently liked:
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Roll over Beethoven, that tune is awesome. I can't get it out of my head. Even if it wasn't about me it would still be pretty cool.
Have the Paladin say a prayer and smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. (And if you know where I stole that line from I'll be impressed)
It's toasted cheese with red peppers and chives. Er....The sandwich that is.
_________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
So I checked up on his progress, he hadn't done a thing yet!
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So Ragr...how did it go. I see your back since you found time to start a new thread. Apparently you finished your sandwich, got off your tree or dead dragon or whatever it really was, infiltrated the Unsurmountable Tower of continous editions and made it back out.
So did you use the official method presented on page 89 or did you improvise. I hope that the wizards don't have a copy of the Exp. book because if they do I'm guessing it was a lot more difficult that you expected.
So what horrible traps, monsters, and spells did you encounter? Did you find the 4th edtion manuscript? Did you steal it, alter it, replace it with your own? Come on, we need to know. Lets here a factual account of your adventure!
And for some reason he seemed to think it would take time:
Turbulent Prophet, quit yer yakking. Can't you see I'm trying to lurk quietly? Do you always want things done this quickly. An operation like this takes planning. There are tools to polish, weapons to sharpen, life insurance policies to update (you want raising with that, sir). Some of us can't just see the future, you know, we have to live it and take our chances.
So, farewell my lovely tree, er, Dragon. I'm set fair for the Tower of Inescapable Profit. Pray for me 'hawkers.
I tried to tell him, but he just woudn't listen:
Ummm.....you bring up a good point, ....wouldn't it be easier to just ask me how well you will do....before you go....ooops he already left. I was just about to tell him...well guess he'll find out for himself.
And he returned from his quest:
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Eileen; fellow 'hawkers, I'm back.
And, to my utmost shame, I have failed you all. I shall not be broadcasting this from the top of the Guildhall, though I've committed page 89 to memory.
Getting into the Tower of Corporate Fluff was easy; how arrogant I thought, no guards, just a doorman called Ed. Naturally, Ed was easily bypassed.
The tower has 7 levels. The first 6 were full of the minions of the Wizards. Shackled to desks and chewing on pens, no doubt dreaming of the death of our world and how to please their masters with cunning schemes. And the decor; a mind numbing, swirling vista of shades of beige. I barely kept my sanity in these lower levels.
The doors were inscribed with strange glyphs spelling out words that i couldn't understand. Gleemax was one. Another seemed to say "Insider". The irony. I had never felt more like an outsider.
The levels traversed, I came then to the uppermost portion of the tower. I had overhead the minions whisper of this level. The sanctum of the book, they called it. Their only desire seemed to be to "have some input into it's final incarnation".
I crept into the chamber and, behold, upon a pedestal rested a leather bound volume. There were no traps, how careless these mighty Wizards. I perused the mighty tome, expecting great secrets and insight into the fate of my world but, the horror, I must've failed my Decipher Script. The words made no sense. Tiefling; surely they mean Halfling. Dragonborn; surely Gnome. Eladrin; what? Points of light; where? Gods, whose causes seemed horribly confused. And the notation in the margin seemed to consist of; first, take a smidgeon of Gh. Add a spoonful of FR. Then, a dollop of EB. Mix with other stuff, and ta dah! We'll have it. I moved through the book coming to a section called "The Rules". Aha! I thought . Here we have it. The crunch. Empty. Every page. Not a thing.
At this point I felt a draught caress my neck and, turning, beheld the Master Wizard and 6 of his chief underlings. I knew he was the Big Wizard because of the beige epaulettes on his robes.
"Who are you?" he boomed.
"Ragr, of Greyhawk." I boomed back.
"Sorry, where? he replied, meekly.
"Greyhawk, that's right, pal," I triumphantly declared.
He snapped his fingers, and a chair appeared, into which I was coerced by some sorcery. A cup of tea was placed in my hand, as the Wizard and his minions fussed around me, with downcast eyes and muttering "there, there".
Some powerful charm was invoked upon me, because the next thing I know I'm leaving the tower. I glance back to find not only the Wizard, but all his henchman waving goodbye. All seemed to have tears in their eyes. I looked at the floor, overcome with sadness. When I raised my eyes again, they'd all gone. Back to the Tower, no doubt. Back to their world.
A great weight was lifted off my shoulders then. And I returned to Greyhawk with a spring in my step and a smile in my heart, knowing this for sure. They may attack it, but they cannot destroy it. Because they seemed so, well, rubbish really.
That is my tale. To the Tower. Oh! And back again.
_________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
Ummm...what I wanted to tell you is that Ed wasn't really all that harmless. If you look down, you'll notice your belt pouch is gone....
I'm concerned, if everything happened the way you said it did....how do we know that you are the real Ragr and not some Simulacrum? Perhaps you sir are some sort of wicked spy sent to garner our secrets...First your masters steal our castle now they want.....?
Is it possible that the real Ragr is dead? Perhaps being held prisoner by Ed? I think the real Ragr would have known where to put the Citadel by the Sea module, (see the Adventures for the Younger Gamer thread) only a farce would be so unfamiliar with the world so as to ask for help. Clearly a rescue mission must be launched....But where could we find adventurers brave enough?
Of coarse he couldn't accept the facts:
Ed's just a guy whose name is missing a d and an a, and if he's got my purse I'll happily provide those letters.
Simulacrum? Spy? Have you totally lost it, prophet? I've got "the real thing" tattooed on my soul. With your extraordinary powers of Divination surely you can tell the difference. By Brandobaris' nimble digits, I despair of the deceit and suspicion prevalent in the world today.
As for asking for help; even an uber character like me needs to call on friends from time to time.
So I offered my services since this story needed a real heroine:
Well if you are planning a second assult, I offer my humble services. I'm not sure what I can do to help other than offer divination spells however. The cryptic divinations I receive take about a hour for my party to figure out in the game. I'm sure with your experience going all the way back to 1st edition we could figure them out within a half an hour.
I'm certainly not much of a combatant. In fact I even have attack penalties due to lack of strength and a flaw from Unearthed Arcana. But none the less, I am no stranger to quests and danger. Just don't be suprised when I am standing behind you the whole time. Oh, and I tend to cry after I am forced to defend myself and slay another, and I also take time to do an After Battle Prayer as well. Did you see any giant bugs or troglodytes there? I am extremely scared of both. So what do you think? Need assistance?
As far as being suspicious, we have not idea what that funny tea you were drinking did to you.
And so after that, Ragr and Eileen parted ways...
And many days past....
And even more days past...
And then some more.....
And pretty soon he started to get lonely.... _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
Naturally after a lengthy leave of absence Ragr just couldn't wait to see me again:
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Hey there, Prophet.
You wanted more banter. Well, the mushrooms ran out so I thought it was time to plot my revenge on that purse filcher, Ed.
So, off I went, back to the Tower Of Inestimable Hype. I moved stealthily, like only a cruelly wronged Halfling can. And came upon Ed, that scurvy dog, sitting at his guardpost reading a copy of The Complete Watchman, a supplement offering multiple character options for doormen of all types. Placing a small knife for peeling fruit against his smooth throat, I ushered him into a small closet and demanded the return of my purse and a full explanation for his filthy thieving ways. To my surprise, he explained that his real name was, in fact, Bob. And that he worked for a guy called Eric; I kid you not. You couldn't make this stuff up. Turns out Bob, you need to pay attention at this point, had been listening intently to conversations throughout the Tower Of Our Presentations Should Be Better Prepared and had secretly made notes and passed them on to his mysterious master. When pressed, well, slapped roughly a few times to be accurate, Bob revealed that all he knew was that the information was passed on to a creature called The Jason, who was compiling a mighty tome that would possibly capture the souls of those formerly in thrall to the Wizards'. I slapped Bob again at this point, I mean dark plans are all very interesting, but what I really wanted was my bleedin' purse back.
"No, No, No," exclaimed Ed/Bob/Whatever. Turns out it was all a fiendish plan to draw me back to the Tower Of Ever Worsening Epithets so that I would be able to reveal the cunning plan to a select few worthies; that's you I guess, Prophet. Anyway, I reclaimed my purse, after checking its contents, slapped Bob a few more times-hey, it's the way of the world-and returned home. I did ask Bob if he wasn't afraid that the Wizards Of The Beige Mantle may exact a terrifying revenge upon him and his mysterious masters but it turns out that they've all signed a life long non-intervention contract or some such. I don't pretend to understand such corporate obfuscations but it sure smells like some-ones' a sucker.
So, here I am, purse retrieved, feet up in front of a nice warm fire, just waiting to see which side looks the strongest. And then? Time to make a plan. Then a contingency. Followed by an escape clause (technical term for a mid-conflict positional adjustment; that's changing sides if you're Italian. No offence meant ).
Mmnnn! Bacon sandwich.
_________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
And so Ragr returned to the Temple of Edition Evil, so I had to support him in his second quest:
Ragr wrote:
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Hey there, Prophet. You wanted more banter. Well, the mushrooms ran out so I thought it was time to plot my revenge on that purse filcher, Ed.
So basically you came out of your comatose state. I have readily warned you about those mushrooms. Greyhawk City is not a safe place to be purchasing (acquiring) such additives. In all of our travels, have you not learned to pass on getting such things wholesale or occasionally picking these plants in the local dungeon. (Sigh!)
Ragr wrote:
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So, off I went, back to the Tower Of Inestimable Hype. I moved stealthily, like only a cruelly wronged Halfling can. And came upon Ed, that scurvy dog, sitting at his guardpost reading a copy of The Complete Watchman, a supplement offering multiple character options for doormen of all types. Placing a small knife for peeling fruit against his smooth throat, I ushered him into a small closet and demanded the return of my purse and a full explanation for his filthy thieving ways. To my surprise, he explained that his real name was, in fact, Bob. And that he worked for a guy called Eric; I kid you not. You couldn't make this stuff up.
So you returned to the Tower of Complete Splatbook Production, good for you. My only complaint is that you didn't take me with you. You said "It is good to know I have a Prophet at my side". My guess is you took the first hussy you could find from the local tavern. Somehow I doubt Ed was reading the book, but most likely just looking at the pictures. Perhaps he was admiring the wonderful hand crafted drawings of what Greyhawk doesn't look like. Or perhaps the book went into full explanation of how doorman dragonborn have (ahem) large mammary glands. Anyway, excellent work, you found him, aproached with the necessary 3.5 skills you have acquired, and threatened him with your little plastic picnic knife.
Ragr said:
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Turns out Bob, you need to pay attention at this point, had been listening intently to conversations throughout the Tower Of Our Presentations Should Be Better Prepared and had secretly made notes and passed them on to his mysterious master.
Now, if I understand you correctly, he clearly gave in to your demands for information after a brutal beating, and then you discovered he is working for the good guys.
Ragr claimed:
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When pressed, well, slapped roughly a few times to be accurate, Bob revealed that all he knew was that the information was passed on to a creature called The Jason, who was compiling a mighty tome that would possibly capture the souls of those formerly in thrall to the Wizards'. I slapped Bob again at this point, I mean dark plans are all very interesting, but what I really wanted was my bleedin' purse back.
"No, No, No," exclaimed Ed/Bob/Whatever. Turns out it was all a fiendish plan to draw me back to the Tower Of Ever Worsening Epithets so that I would be able to reveal the cunning plan to a select few worthies; that's you I guess, Prophet.
So then you slapped the good guy up some more? Ragr, this is how villains in Greyhawk are made. You know, they start at the bottom, working for some shmuck. Then some high and mighty adventurer (or in your case short, but higher than you use to be come 4th edition) comes around, slaps them up for the heck of it, and KABOOM instant recipe for iconic Greyhawk villain. Great, now in about 3 generations your grandkids are going to have to undo all your handywork by slaying BOB, the Lich Formerly Known as ED, who lost his head with Ragr's plastic picnic knife. We are suppose to be cleaning up this World of Greyhawk, not insure the slavery of millions in the 8th edition adventure entitled The Return to the Return of What Use to be The Tomb of Horrors.
And then be changed his story:
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No, No, No," exclaimed Ed/Bob/Whatever. Turns out it was all a fiendish plan to draw me back to the Tower Of Ever Worsening Epithets so that I would be able to reveal the cunning plan to a select few worthies; that's you I guess, Prophet.
Well I truly appreciate being considered worthy of such vital information. I do have one significant concern however. I have done my own research, and it seems that the Tower of Doom Grinder Backturning has unhatched an evil plot which will bring about the final destruction of Greyhawk, shortly before the 4th edition release.
Together, we must prepare for the journey for there is much to do. Using my contacts, I think I can get us there with minimal difficulty. Now, you of coarse must keep this highly sensitive information to yourself, for I am about to reveal my travel agent. He is our one and only Mort. He once provided me with a map to Ull. I did request a list of 5 star taverns along the way however, and he had the nerve to tell me to "rough it". Commoners! But, seeing the importance of this quest, I am certain that we can persuade him to provide such a document for us as well as suitable lodging for an upper class person such as myself.
And somehow he thinks his quest is over, foolish halfling:
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So, here I am, purse retrieved, feet up in front of a nice warm fire, just waiting to see which side looks the strongest. And then? Time to make a plan. Then a contingency. Followed by an escape clause (technical term for a mid-conflict positional adjustment; that's changing sides if you're Italian. No offence meant ). Mmnnn! Bacon sandwich.
So while I'm preparing this monumental quest of sorts before The Tower of "They Who Lost the OGL/GSL in the Mailbox" can wrought absolute anarchy upon our beloved Greyhawk, you think you have time to put your feet up by a warm fire, eat a bacon sandwich, and lolygag at the girls no doubt. Tomorrow we shall ready the caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas, a random encounter generator stolen from DI so we know when and what the encounters will be, as well as being armed with the most famous Complete Book of Defeating Tharizdun wannabees, along with my favorite halfling, we shall journey to where ever Mort's map leads us. Until, then move over. And put some shoes on, didn't you read the signon the wall it says "No shirt, no shoes, no service."
By the way, are you getting use to boating these days? Oh and look at the cute little shoes Ragr's wearing.
Well now, you know I would have called you to come on the mission but I, er, well I ermm....I heard there were Trogs! That was it!
And it could have got violent (did, actually). And as you know, you being a bastion of morality, there's good violence and then there's yer bad violence. And, if something good comes out of it, y'know like information or treas....er, I mean godly rewards, then it's good violence, right? Damn these moral mazes. Now it wasn't exactly a "brutal beating", more "lively cajoling" with an open palm. You gotta be accurate, Prophet. And I didn't see any evidence to support the idea that he was a "good guy"; after all he was a spy. That sounds a fairly dubious occupation to me.
On a different subject. So the choice is a) Big T destroys the world,
b) Move to Ull.
I'm sorry, I don't see a choice there. Why not just sit in the pub and wait for the devastation to come to you. 45 Days of hardship later the conversation goes something like;
"We're here."
"Where?"
"Ull."
"Oh!"
"Do you like it?"
"Do I like WHAT?"
As we know swearing is not allowed on CF. So I'm not going to fall into the trap of your feeble attempt to goad me, by posting that link to the April Fools come early mock Halfling backstory laugh-athon on Wotc's site.
Eileen of coarse had to correct him, and more importantly, at the end of the post we discover Ragr's purpose in life:
Hmmm....that's funny, you just said:
Ragr said:
Quote:
And I didn't see any evidence to support the idea that he was a "good guy"; after all he was a spy. That sounds a fairly dubious occupation to me.
Ragr also said:
Quote:
It's been a funny week. Having had a couple of conversations with my 2 regular players it seems both are in favour of adopting 4e but adapting it to our needs. I was a little surprised I have to say, but the point was made that this could mean less work overall. This was, of course, prior to Paizo's announcement, which was certainly well received by me.
So naturally I had to point out his slip of the tongue:
Uh...huh.....according to the above quote of the day, you and the "spy" are apparently working on the same side. He works for Paizo, you stated that the Paizo news was well received by YOU. Do you deny that you made these statements? Perhaps I misunderstood your statement above. So now your implying that the spy isn't a good guy when clearly you and he are working together. That good sir, makes you guilty by association. Which in turn doesn't make you a very nice guy either. I think you should stop by my temple for a little one on on confession of the soul. Together, we shall open that closet of skeletons and purge you of the evils that lie within. If that doesn't work, we can always beat you half to death like you did to your good buddy BOB.
More excuses by Ragr:
Quote:
Well now, you know I would have called you to come on the mission but I, er, well I ermm....I heard there were Trogs! That was it!
I called his bluff, and gave him a chance to redeem himself:
Well, were there troglodytes there or not? Sounds like you just trying to give me the brush off so you could walk away with more of your treas....er! I'll have you know that I dedicated any portions of the gains I would have acquired to the local orphanage. Seems there is this little place down thes street called The Little Homeless Halflings of Hawkville. They are greatly depending upon the trinkets people like you and I bring in in order to keep their doors open. Next week the government says they are going to close the doors if their back taxes aren't paid.
Exagerations by Ragr:
Quote:
And it could have got violent (did, actually). And as you know, you being a bastion of morality, there's good violence and then there's yer bad violence. And, if something good comes out of it, y'know like information or treas....er, I mean godly rewards, then it's good violence, right? Damn these moral mazes. Now it wasn't exactly a "brutal beating", more "lively cajoling" with an open palm. You gotta be accurate, Prophet.
Tsk Tsk, Ragr:
So once again you raise your hand in violence. Fight violence with more violence....hmmm....interesting philosophy! Now were trying distinguish good violence from bad violence? Seems to me your just looking for a reason to stab your buddy BOB in the back and take his ill gotten gains. Now I know for a fact that you beat him brutally. You see BOB came to me with a mere 2 hp left out of a maximum of 81, and said that the Great Ragr beat him mercilessly, over and over. He says you even kicked his visiting grandmother in the shin and stole her purse. I cast Detect Lie and discovered that he was telling the truth. So tell me, why did you kick his grandmother in the shin and steal her purse? Don't you think that was a bit excessive?
Ragr quickly changed the subject:
Quote:
On a different subject. So the choice is a) Big T destroys the world,
b) Move to Ull.
I'm sorry, I don't see a choice there. Why not just sit in the pub and wait for the devastation to come to you.
Sigh, Ragr causes more trouble:
So you would rather sit in the tavern, spend grandma's money, send the orphanage out of business....just for a drink or two? Meanwhile the forces of Tharizdun come crashing down upon the Flanaess in hordes like which the world has never seen before. I can practically hear the cries of pain and death wave across the Flanaess as millions of innocent people die just so you can have one more drink at your favortite watering hole. So all the time and expense I went through to get the caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas, a random encounter generator stolen from DI so we know when and what the encounters will be, as well as being armed with the most famous Complete Book of Defeating Tharizdun wannabees, was for nothing, because you don't want to go?
Shhhhhh.......do you hear that....that was little Johnny screaming "Oh Mr. Cleric of Tharizdun please don't drop me into that black hole of absolute death and suffering....No please...not my little sister....Oh, no, there goes her little puppy Happy Paws, he once saved by feeble grandfather from a terrible orc attack back in 91 while grandpa was travelling uphill both ways in the dead of winter, barefoot, just so he could deliver Solace presents to my deathly ill mother.
Of coarse Ragr has no conscious:
Quote:
As we know swearing is not allowed on CF. So I'm not going to fall into the trap of your feeble attempt to goad me, by posting that link to the April Fools come early mock Halfling backstory laugh-athon on Wotc's site.
Ragr's real purpose in life wasn't quests, it was waiting on me hand and foot:
If it didn't bother you, then why were you WEARING SHOES, ON A BOAT? Clearly you have caved under the pressure of 4th edition. I also noticed that the raft was travelling in the opposite direction of the Tharizdun threat. I think you should give your little bath tub toy to the orphanage.
By the way did you know that $&66^RYT$%T%Y%TYERU^U^HYTRUHYRHTRHR%^$^TBTERB%Y^%$(*^&^$£^$^$^%$&^%UJ^J%YJ%YJY%J in Ancient Baklunish means that Eileen, Prophet of Istus is always right and I am her personal servant until the ends of time? It's true, it really does. So I appreciate the loyalty on your part. I do believe your first duty shall be to give me a manicure! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Ragr's excuses, criticisms, and can't even do nails right:
Quote:
My poor, deluded, cloistered Prophet. You really must get out more often. Next time you're passing wherever I've laid my hat, pop in for a lesson from the University of Life. The School of Street. The College Of Reality. Working for a "common cause" is not "being on the same side". Tut, tut.
Of course they were Trogs. Ugly, pale and distinctly ripe. Definitely Trogs. Or gamers, of course.
Now, I'm an equal opportunities Halfling, so if those lazy sods at The Little Homeless Halflings' whatever are too useless to seize, and I mean seize, the moments presented to them by the great inattentive then they deserve all they get. Don't come to me waving that charity box around, 'cause I'll send you home with an empty container for a helmet.
Bob had 81 hp . In the words of the great Doppleganger, "I'm bad, I'm bad. Y'know it."
And that was Bob's grandmother? Heck! I thought it was Iggwilv. No wonder the purse was a little light.
I have no problem with little Johnny's wailing, but all your blathering is depressing the hell out of me. So, if you promise to stop hectoring me I'll come to Ull. But it had better be worth it. I don't want to hear nothing about soul cleansing.
I can do manicures. No problem. You said you wanted those nails short, right?
So naturally I had to correct him (Again!):
Ragr said:
Quote:
My poor, deluded, cloistered Prophet. You really must get out more often.
Wow, is that your way of asking me out? Wow, a date, Oh boy! Hmmm.....human and halfling with shoes, interesting. I suppose we could put really big lifts in your shoes or maybe get you some shoes of growth before we stop by my parents mansion outside of Greyhawk City. You know where Zagyg's Bridge is right? There's a small hill which overlooks it with a wonderful little mansion on top, that's where I live. It's been in the family for generations. Anyway, my dad works for the Greyhawk militia as a Commander so please make sure your dressed appropriately, call him sir until he asks you to address him differently and make sure that he knows that you have nothing but the best intentions with his little girl. Mum retired early from wizardry and now works primarly as a painter, so make sure you check out her painting gallery and request that she does a piece of work for you. Now they are going to ask you all sorts of questions, like who your parents are, where you live, what kind of halfling you are, if you wear pink and polka dot pants, you know, all the usual sorts of questions one gets, so make sure your on your best behavior and absolutely no borrowing/selectively taking/stealing/taking without asking/or otherwise acquiring anything in the house. Dad's got access to the keys to the citadel prison and it would really be embarressing if you ended up there. But before we go, we should really go shopping, your going to need some new clothes, those rags you have on simply will not do!
Ragr said:
Quote:
Next time you're passing wherever I've laid my hat, pop in for a lesson from the University of Life. The School of Street. The
College Of Reality.
Wow, sounds like we are going to have lots of fun after the dinner at my parents house. Do you plan on taking me to all the seedy places I have never been allowed? Keep in mind that a lot of people in Greyhawk City know who I am by name and face and that I need to maintain my wholesome reputation. Wow, this is going to be so cool. I betcha we will even see a real live thief, or maybe a gambling house. Hey do you think we could take a tour of the thieves guild while we are in all the neat areas of Greyhawk City? Oh, and then I could take you around, you know, maybe stop by the homes of the various Olgarchy members, the theater, ummm....maybe a walk in the North Hills Park!
Ragr said:
Quote:
Of course they were Trogs. Ugly, pale and distinctly ripe. Definitely Trogs. Or gamers, of course.
Yea, I guess your right, I'm standing next to you and now that you mention it I can smell them on you. You want to stand downwind, move a little bit to the left, the sun is in my eyes...oh never mind, your not tall enough!, Just stand downwind. You will visit the bath house right before the big night right?
Ragr wrote:
Quote:
Now, I'm an equal opportunities Halfling, so if those lazy sods at The Little Homeless Halflings' whatever are too useless to seize, and I mean seize, the moments presented to them by the great inattentive then they deserve all they get. Don't come to me waving that charity box around, 'cause I'll send you home with an empty container for a helmet.
Ok, I was thinking that eventually we would have, you know a big family, but I can see that your now quite ready for that, so maybe we will just get dog instead. I'm mean really, calling them lazy sods and saying they are useless and don't seize their opportunities....wow, kinda harsh.....you don't kick puppies do you? Oh, I get it, your just trying out your macho, tough guy routine thinking that in these hard times it will impress my dad! Gotcha! he's actually not like that at all. He is really nice. He only condemed 14 people to hanging last week and 2 just lost multiple appendages.
Ragr said:
Quote:
I have no problem with little Johnny's wailing,
Oh, you want to name our first child Johnny. Ok, that works for me.
Ragr said:
Quote:
Bob had 81 hp . In the words of the great Doppleganger, "I'm bad, I'm bad. Y'know it. "And that was Bob's grandmother? Heck! I thought it was Iggwilv. No wonder the purse was a little light.
Yes, Bob had 81 hit points! His grandmother had -3. Oh, and the purse may have been light but it was filled with those new forms of 4th edition currency, what are they called, astral diamonds I think. Just one of those is worth like $10,000 gold. I don't know how you figured Bob's Grandmother was Iggwilv, the woman was unconconscious sitting in her rocking chair, with needle point in her lap. I still can't believe you kicked her in the shin as well. Kinda reminds me of that moving illusion I once saw starring Chevy Chase, I think it was called National Lampouns Vacation. Old Aunt died so they sat her on top of their magical carriage and then it started to rain as they travelled down the road.
Ragr said:
Quote:
all your blathering is depressing the hell out of me. So, if you promise to stop hectoring me I'll come to Ull. But it had better be worth it. I don't want to hear nothing about soul cleansing.
Are you off your meds again? You know the doctor says you won't get better if you don't keep taking your medicine. Depression is a very serious issue in todays World of Greyhawk. Statistics prove that 1 out of every 7 people still suffer from post Greyhawk Wars syndrown. 1 out of 4 halflings suffer from height depresssion and try to compensate by wearing shoes. 1 out of 3 citizens who spend more than 5 hours a week at the tavern suffer from depression related alcoholism. Finally, 1 out of 5 join the Thieve's Guild because they are seeking a sense of belonging.
Ragr said:
Quote:
I can do manicures. No problem. You said you wanted those nails short, right?
I want them tipped and sharp, a brilliant red color, and while your at it, I think we should do your toes as well. Do you like hot pink? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
And then Mort, always being the romantic he is suggested:
Quote:
LoL. That is one of the funniest replies I've read all week Eileen. post Greyhawk Wars syndrome! Man can I steal that line?
Your family background and familiarity with GHC also astounds me. I can't wait to see how Ragr responds. *psst Ragr...Bridge of Entwined Hearts*
Ragr's obsession with Lovely and meeting the Eileen's:
Quote:
Mort, I don't know what passes for entertainment in Ull, although I could hazard a guess or two, but if you think I'm going to meet Eileen on The Bridge Of Entwined Things while you and a group of hairy, unclean, horse botherers watch on with popcorn and malice aforethought, think again. Wrong kind of fantasy, brov!
Meet the Eileens? OMG! Are you truly insane? Maybe you're one of those Doomdweebies. And btw, this IS my best behaviour. It doesn't get any cleaner and more respectful than this. The pink polka dot thing was a one off. I needed to sneak into the Temple Of Heironeous unnoticed.
Your family sounds so lovely. The mansion so wonderful. Your mum's a painter, your dad's old bill (eh, cop). How idyllic. Makes me wanna go Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! And then heave. And then heave an orphan. Off the same hill. Come the revolution though, sister, I'm afraid it's the wall for your kind.
Now I've told you before, if you're going to bandy around terms like "thief", you better have some cold, hard evidence. And, as a wise colleague of mine once said, "we don't need no stinkin' badges". Or guilds.
So, your father hangs people. Doesn't quite fit with that wholesome image you cultivate, Prophet. But, if they were dumb enough to get caught I guess hangings almost too good for them. That's some dichotomy you've got going there. Your father hangs criminals on behalf of the city. The city is run by Thi......Oh, sorry. For one moment there I forgot how to spell Oligarchs. And you claim to know a few "Oligarchs" personally. Interesting.
Iggwilv/Bob's Grandmother was asleep? Jeez, I thought she was spellcasting. I thought the knitting needles were some kind of new fangled arcane focus jobbywhatsit. And that new 4e currency; A copper conman, a silver smug, a gold greedy, and a platinum pay pay pay and pay some more. That'll never catch on. Will it?
As for your statistics; I don't know whose sadder. The people who are them, or the people who quote them.
_________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
And so Ragr broke her heart and got into some serious trouble:
Ragr said:
Quote:
Mort, I don't know what passes for entertainment in Ull, although I could hazard a guess or two, but if you think I'm going to meet Eileen on The Bridge Of Entwined Things while you and a group of hairy, unclean, horse botherers watch on with popcorn and malice aforethought, think again. Wrong kind of fantasy, brov!
Apparently Mort at least has a romantic side to him.
Ragr reveals his choice of clothes:
Quote:
Meet the Eileens? OMG! Are you truly insane? Maybe you're one of those Doomdweebies. And btw, this IS my best behaviour. It doesn't get any cleaner and more respectful than this. The pink polka dot thing was a one off. I needed to sneak into the Temple Of Heironeous unnoticed.
Well I have no idea what a Doomdweebies is but it doesn't sound good. I have seen the future my little friend and all I have to say is that for you, yes it does get cleaner, as far as best behavior, well that will be your choice, wondering what I am talking about, read on....
Ragr reveals his true feelings:
Quote:
Your family sounds so lovely. The mansion so wonderful. Your mum's a painter, your dad's old bill (eh, cop). How idyllic. Makes me wanna go Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! And then heave. And then heave an orphan. Off the same hill.
So I had to stand up for myself:
Of coarse my family is lovely, what else would they be? Of coarse the mansion is lovely, its been in the family for years. The property was originally handed to the family from Mayor Zagig Yragerne himself. You would know this if you ever bothered to read my character sheet. As you should know by now, I was selected by Istus personally for the entire salvation of the Flanaess. Such a job requires having the right attributes, such as great faith, charisma, and a lovely family, with a lovely home, on a lovely hill, overlooking a lovely bridge which crosses a lovely river, which flows pass a lovely city, which is the heart of a lovely game world, run by a lovely DM.
Ragr said:
Quote:
Now I've told you before, if you're going to bandy around terms like "thief", you better have some cold, hard evidence. And, as a wise colleague of mine once said, "we don't need no stinkin' badges". Or guilds.
Little did Ragr know:
Uh huh....do you see where this is going? Because I do! But then again, that's my job, to see things that you can't see, because they haven't happened yet! Keep reading....
Ragr said:
Quote:
So, your father hangs people. Doesn't quite fit with that wholesome image you cultivate, Prophet. But, if they were dumb enough to get caught I guess hangings almost too good for them. That's some dichotomy you've got going there. Your father hangs criminals on behalf of the city. The city is run by Thi......Oh, sorry. For one moment there I forgot how to spell Oligarchs. And you claim to know a few "Oligarchs" personally.
Again, I must protect my honor:
I daresay I do not cultivate a wholesome image, I worship the Goddess of Truth, so I don't lie nor exaggerate. It just happens to be that I am lovely, smart, and well mannered. As for my Father, now he is actually more of a soldier who has moved up the ranks and now holds a position of authority. His superior education and experience has granted him a position in which he is allowed to make the necessary decisions in keeping the riff raff out of Greyhawk City...more on this later....As for the specifics of the punishments handed down, well lets just say that he and I are Lawful Neutral (No not undecided like future variations will be), we are absolute in our convictions. We believe that the laws of our good city are fair and worthy of representing the belief system of society. If you are uncomfortable with the laws of the land perhaps you should do something to change that. We have a wonderful legal system in place just for people of discontent like yourself. The Oligarchy will be meeting next week if you would like to arrange a council with them. Perhaps you could bring your list of "new and better laws" with and present them to the council. That is if you can find the time....
And yes I know all of the Oligarchs currently in place within the city of Greyhawk. Mind you, I didn't say it was on any kind of personal level, but yes, I do know them. For the sake of political correctness, I will state that certain opinons of various individuals I am in accordant with while others are should we say less properly guided and motivated in their decisions concerning our fair city. Heck, if you think you can do a better job then go for it. I have it on good authority that one such member will soon be stepping down. No I can't tell you which one either. Yes I know which one as well as why they will be stepping down!
Ragr didn't have much to say:
Quote:
Interesting
Of coarse, everything I say and do is interesting. Thats because I am a lovely and interesting person, not to mention dedicated, responsible, wealthy, beautiful, intelligent, and loyal.
Ragr said:
Quote:
And that new 4e currency; A copper conman, a silver smug, a gold greedy, and a platinum pay pay pay and pay some more. That'll never catch on. Will it?
Not not in Greyhawk. It will be even less popular in future editions of D&D as well. 5th edition will be marketed as back to the basics, though this will be a bit of spin, there will be thread of significant truth to it as well, but we need to wait a few years for that one. Although if I were you, I would start collecting some of these coins if you can find them in mint condition. They won't be in circulation all that long.
Ragr said:
Quote:
Iggwilv/Bob's Grandmother was asleep? Jeez, I thought she was spellcasting. I thought the knitting needles were some kind of new fangled arcane focus jobbywhatsit.
Tsk, tsk, apparently you thought wrong. She was sewing a new sweater for your son little Johnny!
Funeral processions for Bob's Grandmother will take place on Gods Day at 2:00 in the afternoon. Please bring a food or beverage along with your sincere condolences to the family.
Ragr said:
Quote:
As for your statistics; I don't know whose sadder. The people who are them, or the people who quote them.
Your just upset because I quoted them first.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 Hours later, in the Citadel of Greyhawk City, the courtroom of Commander Barius of Greyhawk, Imperial Guardsman Commander, Judge of the City of Greyhawk.....
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG....."ATTENTION, ATTENTION....THE HEARING OF RAGR VERSUS THE CITY OF GREYHAWK WILL NOW COME TO ORDER.....NOW THAT THE ACCUSED HAS BEEN PROPERLY BATHED AND ATTIRED AFTER CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY MAY I ADD, NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS HAVE I EVER SEEN A HALFLING PUT UP SUCH A FUSS ABOUT HAVING TO TAKE A BATH.
RAGR, ON THE CHARGES OF MURDER, THEFT, CONSPIRACY TO STEAL, BREAKING AND ENTERING, INDUSTRIAL ESPIONAGE, SLANDER, THROWING AN ORPHAN OFF THE BRIDGE OF ZAGYG, HURLING OFF THE BRIDGE OF ZAGYG AND POLLUTING THE WATERWAYS OF THE SELINTAN RIVER, REPEATED CASES OF ASSAULT (SUCH AS BOB AND JACK THE RHENNEE WHO WAS TRAVELING DOWN THE SELINTAN WHEN YOU HURLED OVER THE BRIDGE), BREAKING A DATE WITH MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILEEN, ALONG WITH NUMEROUS OTHER CRIMINAL ACTIONS TO LENGTHY TO SPECIFY AT THIS TIME), HOW DO YOU PLEA? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Poor Ragr, nicked by the rozzers, stripped out of 'is bling an' burberry an' sent up front of old Barnaby.
This merits a play by Liam Willspire, the Bard of Willip. "Never was there a tale of more woe than this of Eileen and her Ragr." No wait, that doesn't rhyme. Tale of more "stager".... "plaiger"... "beiger".... Man, I need a drink.
Ragr realizing he was finally in trouble, got himself a lawyer:
Quote:
Hey, Smillan, that had me in stitches. You must related to **** Van Dyke; "Cahm ohrn Mairy Pop'inns". The only British accent worse than that was the bloke who played Daphne's brother in Frasier, I forget his name, fortunately.
Eileen, you know the Doomdweebies; heck we've been talking about "The Temple" enough recently. It's them purple clad losers Mort so brilliantly sends up.
My plea shall be entered by my solicitor from the firm of Shuttlecock & Wing-Tip Curlytoes;
Murder; Not guilty, on the grounds that most of those slain were in self defence, already dead, or, as fate would have it, just got in the way at the wrong time. Blame Istus not my client.
Theft; Not guilty, on the grounds that, because of a religious conviction, my client believes that all property is theft, and to accuse my client thus is tantamount to religious persecution by the state. Prosecution on these counts would cause untold uproar among many churches (Trithereon) opening the city up to discontent from within.
Breaking and entering; Not guilty. My client denies breaking anything, and only entered at the request of the tenant.
Industrial espionage; Not guilty. My client undertook a mission of great interest to the whole of Greyhawk, encouraged, if I might add, by certain Prophets. My client was poisoned, subject to rude taunts about the validity of the world in which he lived and exposed to the colour Beige for prolonged bouts. Yet, despite suffering such degradations, he returned to impart what he had learned to all of this world. My client should be rewarded, not prosecuted, for such selfless conduct.
Slander; Not guilty. A truth is a truth, a fact a fact. Such plain speaking honesty is to be applauded in this day and age. My client belongs to no secret society or brotherhood. If he ever had designs on world domination my client would inform all of his intentions; there is past precedence and supporting evidence to this end, my lovely man, er..Judge.
Throwing of an orphan; Not guilty. See next charge.
Assault; Not guilty. Jack the Rhennee was on the run....I mean float, from the authorities. My client, spying the fleeing miscreant, used the only weapon he had to hand in order to arrest the criminals' flight. My client has accepted no credit for his valorous apprehension of this notorious felon, choosing to allow all the credit to be given to the falling orphan, Brian Grubbyaffairs, who is currently recovering, and doing well, at the Temple of Pelor. As for Bob; in a matter of world shaking import, sometimes one has to defend oneself with reciprocal force, and this my client did in the name of his beloved and beleaguered Greyhawk. It was not my clients' fault that Bob's granny was an absolute ringer for Iggwilv, and that he decided to rid the world of such a fiend. I'm sure (heavy sarcasm), you would all have accepted such a challenge without regard for your own health and prosperity.
Breaking a date? Er..... My lord, I'm not sure this is actually illegal. Now, abuse of authority; there's a perfidious thing for sure.
Other charges; Well, you'll need to be specific in order for me to enter a plea on these. But, as you can see, my client is only too willing to co-operate, and it is surely now apparent that despite the sheer volume of accusations thrown his way he is, in fact, and word and deed, a very good Halfling. Although, perhaps occasionally, a little naughty.
I implore you, my lovely lord, dismiss these charges and restore my clients reputation. Such as it is.
And Smillan_31 had to say:
Ragr wrote:
Quote:
Hey, Smillan, that had me in stitches. You must related to **** Van Dyke; "Cahm ohrn Mairy Pop'inns". The only British accent worse than that was the bloke who played Daphne's brother in Frasier, I forget his name, fortunately.
And Smillan_31 responded with:
Quote:
One part **** Van Dyke, one part Don Cheadle's character in Ocean's 11 and one part Val's Halal Kebab Emporium from rathergood.com. You should hear me do my "The angriest man in Cork" impersonation sometime.
I'm hoping you're talking about the Australian guy who played one of Daphne's brothers, because I'm pretty sure the other two brothers were played by British actors. That'd be funny if a British actor did the worst British accent ever.
_________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
So I guess the only thing I'm still wondering is...
When's the wedding?
Well lets see....
1. He can't commit.
2. He awefully close to being locked down.
3. My father apparently doesn't like him very much.
4. He throws orphans off bridges.
5. He STEALS (there I said it, he STEALS, takes things that aren't his)
6. He's short, although he is working on that with 4th edition.
7. He's a sloppy dresser.
8. He doesn't like to take baths.
9. He beats up near random strangers and kicks old women sitting in rocking chairs doing needle point.
10. He's still short.
When's the wedding? Oh I don't know, I'm free next weekend but I'm thinking he isn't quite marriage material. Looks around.......sees Bubba.....hmmmm........ _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Sorry, I'm already married to the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful and caring woman every created. She's also trained in military combat techniques, including psychological warfare. And she's a trained combat medic. She could hurt me really bad, destroy my personality, patch me up, and convince me I should thank her for it. Not only that, but I'd be completely lost without her.
1. He can't commit.
2. He awefully close to being locked down.
3. My father apparently doesn't like him very much.
4. He throws orphans off bridges.
5. He STEALS (there I said it, he STEALS, takes things that aren't his)
6. He's short, although he is working on that with 4th edition.
7. He's a sloppy dresser.
8. He doesn't like to take baths.
9. He beats up near random strangers and kicks old women sitting in rocking chairs doing needle point.
10. He's still short.
I'm not seeing a problem here. Seems a good match to me, since opposites attract, and all...
Bubba, that bump you had recently must have been more serious than we thought.
But, you and Eileen? That I CAN see. You look just the kind of guy who needs a sprinkling of "lovely".
Smillan; you're right, that guy was Australian. The "angry man of Cork" sounds like a party piece.
Sorry, but as a paladin of Hieroneous I could never back out on my current marriage vows. Besides, my wife has provided far more than just a "sprinkling" of lovely, not to mention my wonderful and gallant children.
Sorry, I'm already married to the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful and caring woman every created. She's also trained in military combat techniques, including psychological warfare. And she's a trained combat medic. She could hurt me really bad, destroy my personality, patch me up, and convince me I should thank her for it. Not only that, but I'd be completely lost without her.
So I take it that she's speaking to you again after that letter mishap, good to hear Bubba. By the way, you never told us what you said or did to apologize to her. Surely you did something to smooth things over, Yes, No? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
So I take it that she's speaking to you again after that letter mishap, good to hear Bubba. By the way, you never told us what you said or did to apologize to her. Surely you did something to smooth things over, Yes, No?
Yes, I suppose I should have mentioned the ending of that little episode. It turns out that my wife was exceedingly angry that morning, but not at me. She did tell her friend about the letter, and being more than a bit of a drama queen (not to mention wanting to cause trouble because she simply doesn't understand what my wife sees in me) her friend took it wrong and decided to let me have it on her behalf. Not long after posting that my beloved spouse called and apologized about the misunderstanding, I apologized for my mistake, and we laughed about it later that evening.
Thanks for the kind words Mort, but you realize that by posting on this thread you not only become a reader but a participant as well. Time to brush off that character sheet and make an appearance.
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BANG, BANG, BANG.....ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT! THE TRIAL OF THE CITY OF GREYHAWK VERSUS RAGR THE HALFLING WILL NOW CONTINUE. AS I UNDERSTAND IT RAGR, YOU ARE BEING REPRESENTED BY THE FIRM OF SHUTTLECOCK & WING-TIP CURLYTOES. I HAVE REVIEWED THEIR LICENSE TO CONDUCT REPRESENTATIVE LEGAL AFFAIRS IN THE CITY OF GREYHAWK AND INFORM YOU THAT YOUR CHOICE OF LAWYERS IS RECOGNIZED AND ACCEPTED BY THIS COURT OF LAW.
IN ACCORDANCE TO THE LAWS OF THE FREE CITY OF GREYHAWK AS WELL AS THE BOXED SET ENTITLED THE "THE CITY OF GREYHAWK" PAGES 11-13 AND "THE ADVENTURE BEGINS" PAGES 67-68 WE SHALL PROCEED.
ACCORDING TO THESE LAWS, THE ACCUSED HAS SEVERAL FUNDEMENTAL RIGHTS WHICH MAY BE EXERCISED ACCORDINGLY, PROVIDED THE MEET THE LETTER OF THE LAW. AS WITH ANY CRIMINAL CASE WHEN THE ACCUSED IS ON TRIAL FOR A MAJOR CRIME HE OR SHE MAY RECEIVE ONE TO THREE JUDGES WHO LISTEN TO AND EVALUATE THE EVIDENCE AGAINST THE ACCUSED AND PASS JUDGMENT BASED ON THE FACTS OF THE CASE. NEVER HAS THE CITY OF GREYHAWK BEEN FACED WITH A CASE IN WHICH SO MANY ACCUSATIONS HAVE BEEN MADE AGAINST ONE INDIVIDUAL. THEREFORE AS SENIOR JUDGE I HAVE DECLARED THAT A TOTAL OF THREE JUDGES OF UNQUESTIONABLE REPUTATION, SKILL, AND WISDOM IN LEGAL MATTERS BE PRESENT TO HEAR THE CASE OF THE CITY OF GREYHAWK VERSUS RAGR.
AT THIS POINT IN TIME, I SHALL INTRODUCE THE REMAINING TWO JUDGES WHICH SHALL OVERSEE THIS CASE.
BEHIND CURTAIN NUMBER #1, WE HAVE A MAN WHO IS NO STRANGER TO THE SEEDY CRIMINAL ELEMENTS OF GREYHAWK CITY FOR HIS CURRENT POSITION KEEPS HIM WITHIN THE WALLS OF THE PRISON ITSELF. WELL KNOWN AS A FORMER GREYHAWK MILITIA OFFICER WHO'S WAS PROMOTED WHEN HIS SUPERIOR SUDDENLY DIED DURING ROUTINE QUESTIONING, HE CURRENTLY HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE LONGEST PERIOD OF TIME WITHOUT AN ESCAPE FROM THE PRISON OF GREYHAWK CITY, OUR ILLUSTRIOUS LEADER AND PROTECTOR OF THE CITIZENS OF GREYHAWK CITY, NON OTHER THAN WARDEN ETIN DERECS HIMSELF (see The Adventure Begins, page 81.)
As curtain #1 is pulled back, a loud cracking of the knuckles can be heard matched by the sinister smile of a bald, scar riddled man of middle age. His muscles flexing at the very sight of fresh meat as he menacingly glares at the accused.
BEHIND CURTAIN #2, I PRESENT TO YOU THE SECOND MOST FAMOUS CITIZEN AND PUBLIC SERVANT OUR FAIR CITY OF GREYHAWK HAS TO OFFER, WITH THE FIRST SUCH CELEBRITY, CITIZEN, AND PUBLIC SERVANT BEING NONE OTHER THAN MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILEEN. THIS MAN HAS SERVED ON NUMEROUS COUNCILS AND POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY AS WELL AS HAVING IMPORTANT CONTACTS THROUGHOUT THE CITY AND THE LANDS BEYOND. A MAN SOME CLAIM LEADS A NETWORK OF AMBITIOUS MEN AND WOMEN WHO'S PURPOSE IS TO EFFECTIVELY CONTROL THE CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES OF OUR FAIR CITY. A MAN WHO FOR NEARLY THREE DECADES HAS HELD THE HIGHEST POSITION WITHIN THE FREE CITY. HE IS A MEMBER OF THE DIRECTING OLIGARCHY AND THE MAYOR OF THE CITY OF GREYHAWK, NONE OTHER THAN HIS SOLEMN AUTHORITY, THE LORD MAYOR OF GREYHAWK, NEROF GASGAL.
As curtain #2 is whisked open, the court room silence is broken by a less than friendly voice who says "Hey Ragr, How's it Hanging?" He waives a writ within his hand in which only those wearing eyes of the eagle can read. It is unpaid dues to the Thieves Guild, and addressed to the accussed.
WITH THE JUDGES PROPERLY INTRODUCED TO THE COURT, I SHALL NOW INFORM THE ACCUSED OF THEIR RIGHTS IN ACCORDANCE TO THE LAWS OF THE CITY OF GREYHAWK.
ACCORDING TO "THE ADVENTURE BEGINS" PAGE 67, AND I QUOTE:
"FOR MAJOR OFFENSES IN THE CITY, A PERSON IS TRIED BY A JUDGE OF GREYHAWK (EX LAWYER FROM THE GUILD OF LAWYERS, SCRIBES, AND ACCOUNTANTS), ONE OF EIGHT SUCH JUDGES ELECTED BY THE DIRECTORS. THREE DIRECTORS MIGHT SIT IN JUDGMENT OF A MAJOR CRIME, BUT TWO OF THESE THREE JUDGES MAY BE OBJECTED TO AND SUBSTITUTED (ONCE). CONVICTIONS CAN BE APPEALED (ONCE) IF THE JUDGE PERMITS, WHICH ALWAYS OCCURS WITH A CAPITAL CRIME. THE APPEAL IS HEARD BY THREE JUDGES, OFTEN INCLUDING THE LORD MAYOR, NEROF GASGAL. "
RAGR, AS THE ACCUSED YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO OBJECT TO TWO OF THE THREE JUDGES PRESENT, MYSELF, WARDEN ETIN DERECS, AND HIS SOLEMN AUTHORITY, THE LORD MAYOR OF GREYHAWK, NEROF GASGAL. DO YOU ACCEPT THESE INDIVIDUALS AS THE JUDGES OF YOUR TRIAL OR DO YOU DECLINE ANY OF THE PERSONS APPOINTED TO CASE #666? HOW DO YOU ENTER YOUR STATEMENT? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Eileen: You want me to get involved? Ooookay. Here we go.
Sorry I'm late your honors. I'll keep this brief...I am Mortellan, special counsel to the legal team of Shuttlecock & Wing-tip Curlytoes. Ah...Why am I not a halfling? Oh well it's simple your honor; In my homeland of Ull we have a sizeable halfling population, some 2% by recent Moquollad estimates. Where is Ull? Well, you heard of Ket of course. Well if you travel southwest to the Plains of the Paynims and you've gone to far then you're in Ull. Never heard of a lawyer from Ull? True their legal system isn't the same there. In fact its non-existant. But with my wits and charisma I have kept many halflings from being sold into slavery or thrown in the pits to fight dogs for sport. TMI? Yes yes. So in fact, I got my legal education in Greyhawk City. I took courses at the Grey College between quests with my former adventuring group. It only took me twenty years to get my degree and guild certification. Am I still a member? No, I'm afraid due to reasons best left out of these proceedings I had to move to Ull. My Guild dues are probably outstanding to this date. How did I end up with S&WTC? Remember those Uli halflings I saved from, uh...yeah, well one happened to be third cousins to a senior partner of the firm. I was owed a favor so they say. So here I am back in Greyhawk City. Okay that wasn't so short after all. So...what poor hobniz is on trial here?
But don't let that put you off, my brother from the land of far away.
I have been unjustly accused of all sorts of ridiculous malarkey by that Eileen bird over there, and now she's roped in her father to help. Seems like a total abuse of power to me. So, have at them my sabre toothed legal weevil.
I object to the accussed last statement your honor. I, Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods am not the responsible party of whom has brought about charges against Ragr. The accussed would be aware of this had he not dipped into his mushroom supply right before the trial began. In fact your honor, if it so pleases the court, I may choose to come forward as a character witness. I just haven't decided which side I'm on yet that is all.
You see for me this is a terribly difficult situation. Being Lawful Neutral I bind myself by the law and clearly do not support any illegal actions the accussed may be responsible for. On the other hand, providing he is innocent and being a personnal friend of mine, I would want to support him. So I'll just wait and see what kind of mood I'm in later if you don't mind.
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Excuse me your honor, (a gnome wearing plaid suit holding a pen and parchment in hand stands up on a chair and overlooks the crowd) my name is Geraldo HedGold, reporter for the Grehawk Grumbler. I'd like to ask a few questions please....
Ragr....are you saying that Eileen is responsible for the charges against you? What motivation would she have
How do you feel about having such a illustrious panel of judges
Did you know that crowds are gathering in the street and around the courtroom? It seems that the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 3.5 supporters have taken your side while the 4th edition supports want to lynch you. Do you support or endorse 4th edition
Have you been treated fairly
Have you done any jail time already
Do you have a past record, ever been arrested before and if so for what
The rumor on the street is that you were engaged to Eileen and broke it off because she was trying to make you wait on her hand and foot
Talk to me Ragr, there's a public outcry for you to speak. The people want to know the truth and it is your responsibility to report your side of the story to the Greyhawk Grumbler.
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BANG, BANG, BANG....ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT. MR. MORTELLAN, YOU COME TO MY COURTROOM DEFENDING THE ACCUSSED WITHOUT AN CURRENT LEGAL LICENSE? A MOST UNUSUAL IF NOT DARING MANUEVER I DO SAY SO MYSELF. UNLESS YOU CAN PROVIDE LEGAL LICENSING BEFORE THE ACCUSSED CAN PLACE HIS STATEMENT CONCERNING THE APPOINTED JUDGES TO THIS CASE YOU WILL BE DELEGATED TO THE CHEERLEADING SECTION OF THE COURTROOM. IF HOWEVER, YOU RECEIVE A 2/3 VOTE FROM THE JUDGES YOU MAY TEMPORARILY ACT IN BEHALF OF THE ACCUSSED LEGAL DEFENSE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO PROVIDE A LECTURE ABOUT THE GEOGRAPHY OF THE WORLD OF GREYHAWK. I DO BELIEVE EVERY EDUCATED PERSON HERE IS AWARE OF THE LOCATION OF ULL.
AGAIN, THE COURT REQUESTS FOR YOUR STATEMENT RAGR. DO YOU ACCEPT THESE THREE JUDGES OR DO YOU HAVE AN OBJECTION TO ANY OF THE APPOINTED INDIVIDUALS? BEFORE YOU ENTER YOUR STATEMENT RAGR YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO ANSWER MR. GERALDO HEDGOLD'S QUESTIONS HOWEVER! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Well, I'm not exactly blaming Eileen for all this, some of it was the fault of others. But, I've only ever been in trouble since she and I met. Before then, I never got caught......er, sorry, what I meant to say was, I never got involved in anything criminal. I just, kind of kept myself to myself. But, along comes this Prophet and, suddenly, strange things start to happen to me . I suppose I don't blame her really. Though it sure is someone's fault.
A panel of useless judges you say? I'm sorry. I really couldn't bring myself to comment. Just do what you guys normally do. You know, make some stuff up and place in some unfortunates' mouth.
4e. Now I'll comment, baby. It can kiss my hairy.......feet. I'm a Paizo Halfling now. Nomadic? Boating? Total and utter b**'''@*.
I've been treated well. Though the food lacks a certain amount of quantity.
I've never been in trouble before and didn't even know what arrested meant until recently.
No. I was not engaged to Eileen, although she did demand I attend to her every need. Mostly beauty treatment.
And, to the court, I say; "I do accept these well paid , honourable folk, to pass judgement on me".
And, to Mortellan, my legal eagle from the West "if these judges get too lairy, I do know where the bodies are buried and exactly what is making that rattling sound in their closets".
Ragr, your support for my credibility is appreciated. I hope I can be valuable assistance to your legal team. Now may I advise you to avoid that runt from the Grumbler until at least the end of the proceedings. Anything you tell him, they can use against you in this courtroom! I speak from experience.
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I am sorry for my wordiness before your honors. The presence of a priestess of Istus in the courtroom, though she may possibly be on our side, has me a bit concerned if not over-anxious.
*clears throat*
I have this scroll here showing my license to practice, it's a bit ratty and tea stained, but that blotch there is the signature of the esteemed Sir Anton Palmirian. And this court document here is proof of my last case handled in Greyhawk, where I represented Sir Anton's first wife in a divorce settlement. I know the system here and I am also fluent in Ancient Suel so I assure your honors with a 2/3 consent I will go and pay my undue Guild fees first thing in the morning.
Mort, I shall take heed of your words of wisdom and give no more interviews to scurrilous rumour-mongers. (What happens if they offer a big fat cash payment?)
They should take Electrum. Lets face it, they take everything else that isn't nailed down. There's nothing more reprehensible than organised thievery in my book. (Btw, Mort, can you get me out by Starday? Some acquaintances of mine are off to Hardby for a week and I've got to feed their cat.)
If they will offer cash then I'd say you need an agent!
Cough.Harumph.Ahem. Your honors, what my client means is "There is nothing more reprehensible than UNorganized thievery." ALL the Guilds of Greyhawk are to be respected for their abiding lawfulness." (Starday might be a stretch, maybe Eileen can feed it. She seems to be a cat person.)
I have lots of experience with cats. The wizard in my group has a feline familiar, and I am very familiar with her feline. Why when we were in the Tomb of the Lizard King, the cat was scouting ahead and tripped a trap and fell into a pit and was nearly killed. Later, in the Temple of Elemental Evil (Return to), the same cat was crushed to death by a block of stone that fell from the ceiling. Splat! two legs of the cat were sticking out and the last thing we heard was a feeble.....meow!
So clearly I have all of the necessary job requirements for feeding someone's cat. Just tell me when it needs to be fed, what it eats, what time to feed it and how to get there and I will do what I can. Honestly, its just a cat, what could go wrong? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Ermm...no.....really.....er it's quite important that I feed that cat. It doesn't like strangers you see and won't accept anything from them. In fact, it would rather die of starvation than accept food from an unknown source. Weird, huh? So it has to be me that goes into the empty house. Alone. Because of the cat.
Is this part of your defense strategy? My Dad is Baklunish and so he (and I) love horses. If you tell him you have a horse to feed you might get further with him! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Well now, I'm sorry Prophet, but I can't possibly discuss legal strategems with you; that way lies madness. But my Ullite (?) friend Mort, well heck, he knows everything.
Horses? When you're my size a horse might as well be a Wyvern. I don't think, even with my inestimable charm, your father is going to fall for the idea that I love horses. Apparently there are such things as Riding Dogs. And Halfling cavalry no doubt. But not in my world.
And why can't you discuss legal stratgies with me? Didn't it ever occur to you that perhaps someone else brought forth these alegations to the fair City of Greyhawk? Honestly, what motivation would I have? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
That's the mount for me. A little bit of plate mail barding, a lance and a tabard of brilliant white and I could infiltrate the temple of Heironeous and redistribute the contents to those that really need it; for example, NOT combat obsessed fair-play monkeys.
Well if you didn't get me unfairly and, may I say, brutally arrested on these trumped up ludicrous charges, who on Oerth did?
I am communing with Istus upon the matter but I have to keep starting my spell over because of these constant interruptions of yours. Keep in mind that just because I may find out doesn't mean that it will be allowed for consideration within the court of law. Then again, perhaps you should ask the judges. Maybe if you are nice to them they will tell you. Sigh, makes me wonder sometimes how you get dressed in the morning.
Oooh, oooh, I think Istus is trying to get my attention. Time to go! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
(Waits for the cat-horse chatter to die down then leaps in between them)
And that is my point about being leery of a Priestess of Istus. Since divinations are forbidden in Greyhawk court how are we to know what she(pointsat Eileen) says is or isn't the result of divine consultation(points to the ceiling)? See how she (points to Eileen) flaunts it in front of the Judges (points at Judges)? In fact Ragr I believe your (points at Ragr) whole legal fiasco is some comlicated gambit created by Lady Fate for her (points to ceiling) own amusement! (points to my head) Epiphany!
Your honors I move to dimiss all charges against Ragr on the grounds that he is a victim of Divine Predestination and that he has absolutely NO free-will of his own AT ALL to have caused any of these crimes.
I flaunt nothing towards the judges or court. I merely state the facts. So, Mr. he who is foolish enough to offend the Greater Goddess of Fate, Destiny, Divination, Future, and Honesty...I say this to you:
1. She is the Goddess of Honesty and her clergy are forbidden to lie.
2. I am a member of her clergy, in fact I am her Prophet. Therefore according to the doctrine of my faith, I am forbidden to lie.
However, in respect to your clients defense, I have not been called to trial as a witness and therefore am not subject to testimony unless requested to do so. If you feel it necessary to call upon Istus as a witness and attempt to assassinate her character, well I dare you, I double dog dare you! I am here to protect and serve her good name!
Oh, and you'll need to show me where it says that divinations are not a legal coarse of action within the Greyhawk court system. I would be interested in reading this material to further my education. I realize that the use of magic in a public place without due cause is a criminal action but I have due cause. The cause is my faith and hopefully clearing your client of any charges which are not applicable (see page 68 of the Adventure begins/minor crimes). In in addition no where does it state anything about divinations specifically. A divination is not a mentally intrusive spell and even then spells like know alignment and esp are frowned upon, which doesn't make that illegal either. It also states that the use of spells to assist the city officials is better regarded, therefore my spells are held in high esteem by these courts.
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT. MR MORTELLAN, IT IS ONCE AGAIN AN UNUSUAL COURTOOM TACTIC TO ACCUSE OF A GODDESS OF BEING SOMEHOW CONTROLLING OF YOUR CLIENT, WHAT PROOF DO YOU OFFER TO THIS COURT THAT SUCH MANIPULATION IS OCCURRING? WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE THAT PROVES RAGR HAS NO FREE WILL OF HIS OWN TO HAVE COMMITTED THESE CRIMES? PRIOR TO YOUR ARRIVAL WITHIN THIS COURTROOM, RAGR 'S LEGAL DREAM TEAM ANSWERED THE FOLLOWING CHARGES AS SUCH:
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Murder; Not guilty, on the grounds that most of those slain were in self defence, already dead, or, as fate would have it, just got in the way at the wrong time. Blame Istus not my client.
BY STATING THAT IT WAS SELF DEFENSE, RAGR ADMITS THAT BY HIS HAND DEATH TO ANOTHER OCCURRED. AGAIN, YOUR DREAM TEAM WISHES TO PLACE THE BLAME ON ISTUS, WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE THAT SHE IS RESPONSIBLE AND HE IS NOT FOR THE ALLEGED MURDEROUS ACTIONS COMMITTED?
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Theft; Not guilty, on the grounds that, because of a religious conviction, my client believes that all property is theft, and to accuse my client thus is tantamount to religious persecution by the state. Prosecution on these counts would cause untold uproar among many churches (Trithereon) opening the city up to discontent from within.
HERE YOUR DEFENSE TEAM CLAIMS THAT RAGR BELIEVES BY RELIGIOUS CONVICTION THAT ALL PROPERTY IS THEFT, THEREFORE ALL PROPERTY IS TO BE STOLEN. IN ADDITION, THIS COURTROOM WILL NOT BE THREATENED WITH THE ALLEGED DISCONTENT OF SUPPOSEDLY MANY CHURCHES, SPECIFICALLY THAT OF TRITHEREON. FINALLY, TO TAKE THIS POSITION AND USE IT AS A DEFENSE IN COURT VIOLATES YOUR DREAM TEAM STATEMENT ABOVE WHICH STATES THAT THIS IS A RELGIOUS PERSECUTION BY THE STATE. WITH THAT TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION IT IS NOT VIABLE FOR THE STATE TO PERSECUTE A RELGION AND THEREFORE THE COURTROOM TAKES THE POSITION THAT A RELIGION CANNOT BE PLACED ON TRIAL NOR HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF THE ACCUSSED FOR TO DO SO WOULD VIOLATE THAT VERY STATEMENT MADE BY YOUR DEFENSE ASSOCIATES. AS A RESULT ISTUS CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR SHE IS A RELGION.
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Breaking and entering; Not guilty. My client denies breaking anything, and only entered at the request of the tenant.
THE CHARGES OF BREAKING AND ENTERING WERE PLACED BY THE TOWER OF GREYHAWK GRUMPINESS. YOUR CLIENT ENTERED THEIR TOWER WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION SO THEY CLAIM.
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Industrial espionage; Not guilty. My client undertook a mission of great interest to the whole of Greyhawk, encouraged, if I might add, by certain Prophets. My client was poisoned, subject to rude taunts about the validity of the world in which he lived and exposed to the colour Beige for prolonged bouts. Yet, despite suffering such degradations, he returned to impart what he had learned to all of this world. My client should be rewarded, not prosecuted, for such selfless conduct.
THIS IS A WELL THOUGHT OUT AND FLUID RESPONSE TO THE CHARGE PLACED UPON YOUR CLIENT. IT IS THE CONCENSES OF THIS COURTROOM THAT THE CHARGES OF BREAKING AND ENTERING AS WELL AS INDUSTRIAL ESPIONAGE BE DROPPED FROM THESE COURTROOM PROCEEDINGS. (Turns to the other judges) SO SHOULD WE PLACE THE TOWER OF 4TH EDITION DIGITIAL DUNG ON TRIAL NEXT? THEY DID AFTER ALL STEAL OUR CASTLE AND WHISK IT AWAY! THIS COURTROOM DOES BELEIVE THAT RAGR ACTED IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE FREE CITY OF GREYHAWK AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME.
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Slander; Not guilty. A truth is a truth, a fact a fact. Such plain speaking honesty is to be applauded in this day and age. My client belongs to no secret society or brotherhood. If he ever had designs on world domination my client would inform all of his intentions; there is past precedence and supporting evidence to this end, my lovely man, er..Judge.
YES A TRUTH IS A TRUTH AND A FACT IS A FACT. IT IS THE TRUTH THAT YOUR CLIENT HAS NUMBEROUS SLANDER CHARGES PLACED AGAINST HIM BY THE TOWER OF HALFLING HALLUCINATION AND ALL SUCH CHARGES IN REGARDS TO THEY AND SLANDER ARE ALSO DROPPED.
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Throwing of an orphan; Not guilty. See next charge.
Assault; Not guilty. Jack the Rhennee was on the run....I mean float, from the authorities. My client, spying the fleeing miscreant, used the only weapon he had to hand in order to arrest the criminals' flight. My client has accepted no credit for his valorous apprehension of this notorious felon, choosing to allow all the credit to be given to the falling orphan, Brian Grubbyaffairs, who is currently recovering, and doing well, at the Temple of Pelor. As for Bob; in a matter of world shaking import, sometimes one has to defend oneself with reciprocal force, and this my client did in the name of his beloved and beleaguered Greyhawk. It was not my clients' fault that Bob's granny was an absolute ringer for Iggwilv, and that he decided to rid the world of such a fiend. I'm sure (heavy sarcasm), you would all have accepted such a challenge without regard for your own health and prosperity.
IN THE ABOVE STATEMENT MADE BY YOUR DEFENSE TEAM, A CONTRDICTION HAS BEEN MADE. IN THE OPENING STATEMENT MADE IT IS CLAIMED THAT AN ORPHAN WAS NOT THROWN. IN THE SECOND STATEMENT IT IS SAID THAT THE ONLY WEAPON AVAILABLE WAS USED AGAINST JACK THE RHENNEE (WHICH WAS THE ORPHAN BRIAN GRUBBYAFFAIRS), THEREFORE THE ORPHAN WAS THROWN OVER THE BRIDGE. IN THE ABOVE DEFENSE IT IS ALSO STATED THAT YOUR CLIENT WAS SPYING ON JACK THE RHENNEE, WHICH IS ANOTHER CHARGE WE CAN ADD TO RAGR'S LONG LIST OF CRIMINAL ACTIONS. THANKYOU FOR BEING FORTHRIGHT IN HIS UNSAVORY ACTIONS AND BRINGING THIS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN FACT TO TRIAL. THE ABOVE STATEMENT ALSO INDCIATES THAT THE ACCUSSED WAS ATTEMPTING TO ARREST JACK THE RHENNEE. YET IN THE INTERVIEW WITH GERALDO HEDGOLD OF THE GREYHAWK GRUMBLER, RAGR STATED THAT HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE WORD ARRESTED MEANT UNTIL RECENTLY, JUST HOW RECENTLY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? WHEN DID YOU CLIENT UNDERSTANDING THE DEFINATION OF THIS WORD? THE CHARGES OF DANGEROUS NAVIGATION ALONG RIVERFRONTS STANDS AS A RESULT OF THROWING BRIAN GRUBBYAFFAIRS INTO JACK THE RHENNEE AND THUS THE SELINTAN RIVER AS WELL RAGR HURLING INTO THE SELINTAN ITSELF.
IN REGARDS TO THE CHARGES OF ASSAULT INVOLVING BOB, WE THE JUDGES FIND THE ACCUSSED INNOCENT OF SAID CHARGE AND BOB IS NOW ON TRIAL FOR ASSOCIATION WITH KNOWN GREYHAWK RIFF RAFF KNOWN AS THE TOWER OF 30+ YEARS OF HISTORY AND LORE FLUSHED DOWN THE LATRINE. IN ADDITION, BOB SHALL ALSO BE ON TRIAL FOR SPYING ON PAIZO.
AS FOR THE ASSAULT AND MURDER CHARGE AGAINST BOB'S GRANDMA, WELL WE ALSO FEEL THAT SUCH A CHARGE SHOULD BE DROPPED. NOT BECAUSE RAGR FELT THAT SHE WAS A RINGER FOR IGGWILV BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS AT -3 HIT POINTS AND WAS DYING. HE MERELY PUT THE OLD BAT OUT OF HER MISERY AND SAVED THE FAIR CITY OF GREYHAWK COUNTLESS TAX DOLLARS. EXCELLENT WORK RAGR. THE CITY OF GREYHAWK SALUTES YOU ON YOUR QUICK THINKING.
NOW, IN REGARD TO THE VERY SERIOUS CHARGE OF BREAKING A DATE WITH EILEEN....THIS ACTION FALLS UNDER BLASPHEMY AGAINST A PRIEST (PREISTESS/PROPHET) AS INDICATED ON PAGE 68 OF THE ADVENTURE BEGINS. IN ADDITION, I WILL BE ADDING THE CRIMINAL CHARGE OF SLANDER FOR CALLING MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILLEN....A BIRD. DOES THE DEFENSE HAVE ANY FURTHER REBUTLE? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
However, in respect to your clients defense, I have not been called to trial as a witness and therefore am not subject to testimony unless requested to do so. If you feel it necessary to call upon Istus as a witness and attempt to assassinate her character, well I dare you, I double dog dare you! I am here to protect and serve her good name!
GrumbledamnmumbleIstusgrumble.
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Oh, and you'll need to show me where it says that divinations are not a legal coarse of action within the Greyhawk court system. I would be interested in reading this material to further my education.
I, having older Greyhawk law schooling refer you to Page 12 of Folk, Feuds & Factions from the City of Greyhawk Box Set. It states thus under Magic and Justice: "The use of ANY magic in criminal proceedings, including Detect Lie and ESP, is not part of standard proceedings in the Courts of Justice....The one exception to this is in the case of an accusation of perjury, when the charged person has no right to silence and when a priest of Pholtus will cast Detect Lie as the defendant speaks."
But why am I fighting you? You want to help Ragr.
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BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT. MR MORTELLAN, IT IS ONCE AGAIN AN UNUSUAL COURTOOM TACTIC TO ACCUSE OF A GODDESS OF BEING SOMEHOW CONTROLLING OF YOUR CLIENT, WHAT PROOF DO YOU OFFER TO THIS COURT THAT SUCH MANIPULATION IS OCCURRING? WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE THAT PROVES RAGR HAS NO FREE WILL OF HIS OWN TO HAVE COMMITTED THESE CRIMES? PRIOR TO YOUR ARRIVAL WITHIN THIS COURTROOM, RAGR 'S LEGAL DREAM TEAM ANSWERED THE FOLLOWING CHARGES AS SUCH:
I withdraw my last objection. In my zeal and haste to defend Mr Ragr I had not consulted my diminutive colleagues on the prior answers to his charges. We thank your honors for dropping the charges of Industrial Espionage, Breaking & Entering, Slander and (looks at notes again) Assault and Murder of Bob's Grandma?
(Good god Ragr, you sure you don't want to plea bargain?)
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NOW, IN REGARD TO THE VERY SERIOUS CHARGE OF BREAKING A DATE WITH EILEEN....THIS ACTION FALLS UNDER BLASPHEMY AGAINST A PRIEST (PREISTESS/PROPHET) AS INDICATED ON PAGE 68 OF THE ADVENTURE BEGINS. IN ADDITION, I WILL BE ADDING THE CRIMINAL CHARGE OF SLANDER FOR CALLING MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILLEN....A BIRD. DOES THE DEFENSE HAVE ANY FURTHER REBUTLE?
(consults, bickers, shrugs) Your honor to the charges of Blasphemy and Slander we'd like to put Eileen, Prophet of Istus on the stand at this moment.
BANG, BANG, BANG, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT. MR. MORTELLAN, YOUR INSTRUCTION AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE LAW IS ADMIRABLE. CLEARLY YOU HAVE DONE CONSIDERABLE RESEARCH INTO THE LAWS AND LEGAL SYSTEM OF THE FREE CITY OF GREYHAWK. UNDER NORMAL CONDITIONS I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU ON YOUR INTERPRETATION OF THIS LAW. HOWEVER, THE LAW CLEARLY STATES AS YOU INDICATE THAT "THE USE OF ANY MAGIC IN CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS, INCLUDING DETECT LIE AND ESP, IS NOT PART OF STANDARD PROCEEDINGS IN THE COURTS OF JUSTICE." CLEARLY THIS CASE IS NOT STANDARD AS INDICATED IN MY OPENING STATEMENT WHEN I SAID AND I QUOTE MYSELF:
Quote:
NEVER HAS THE CITY OF GREYHAWK BEEN FACED WITH A CASE IN WHICH SO MANY ACCUSATIONS HAVE BEEN MADE AGAINST ONE INDIVIDUAL. THEREFORE AS SENIOR JUDGE I HAVE DECLARED THAT A TOTAL OF THREE JUDGES OF UNQUESTIONABLE REPUTATION, SKILL, AND WISDOM IN LEGAL MATTERS BE PRESENT TO HEAR THE CASE OF THE CITY OF GREYHAWK VERSUS RAGR.
AS SUCH THIS IS NOT A STANDARD CASE IN WHICH THE LAW WHICH YOU SO QUOTE APPLIES. EILEEN OF GREYHAWK, PROPHET OF ISTUS, MESSENGER OF THE GODS, YOU MAY TAKE THE STAND.
Eileen steps up to the stand (courtsey's before each judge, rolls a total of 39 on her Diplomacy skill check). Thank you your honor. Your honors, esteemed judges and leaders of our fair city, as requested by Mr. Mortellan, the defense represetative of Mr. Ragr, I Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods most willingly take the stand and herby offer my testimony as the complete truth of events as best understood by my experience and knowledge concerning this monumental legal undertaking. Mr. Mortellan, I am prepared for your line of questioning. Please allow me to assist the court by answering any questions you may have which will bring about truth, justice, and the Greyhawk way. By the way, I like what you have done with this place, the renovations made within the courtroom are an excellent usage of the meager taxes the government of the Free City requests that we the citizens of this honorable community provide. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:00 pm; edited 2 times in total
AS SUCH THIS IS NOT A STANDARD CASE IN WHICH THE LAW WHICH YOU SO QUOTE APPLIES. EILEEN OF GREYHAWK, PROPHET OF ISTUS, MESSENGER OF THE GODS, YOU MAY TAKE THE STAND.
(Sneers)
Quote:
Eileen steps up to the stand (courtsey's before each judge, rolls a total of 39 on her Diplomacy skill check). Thank you your honor. Your honors, esteemed judges and leaders of our fair city, as requested by Mr. Mortellan, the defense represetative of Mr. Ragr, I Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods most willingly take the stand and herby offer my testimony as the complete truth of events as best understood by my experience and knowledge concerning this monumental legal undertaking. Mr. Mortellan, I am prepared for your line of questioning. Please allow me to assist the court by answering any questions you may have which will bring about truth, justice, and the Greyhawk way. By the way, I like what you have done with this place, the renovations made within the courtroom are an excellent usage of the meager taxes the government of the Free City requests that we the citizens of this honorable community provide.
(Walks to the stand)
Eileen, Prophet of Istus, thank you for that perfectly eloquent oath and insightful commentary on the appropriation of the Free City's taxes (Rolls a 31 on his Bluff check). If you could, for the court, point out and identify for us, Mr Ragr?
Mr. Ragr is the Halfing eating the popcorn at your defense table. I do believe that he is need of a napkin. Now I realize that pointing at someone is considered to be of rude manners in many societies. At the courts request I shall indeed point this individual out however I would like it to be known that such a gesture on my part is only to please the court in these very difficult proceedings and is in no way intended to refelect badly upon myself, nor the society we have become. To any children within the courtroom, please don't do this at home. (Points to Ragr).
----------------------------------------------------------
The crowd outside appears to be getting noiser. Shouts of "Free Ragr, Free Ragr, Free Ragr" can be heard from the streets as the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 3.5 supporters organize. Echoing back for every "Free Ragr", is a "Hang the Halfling, Hang the Halfling, Hang the Halfling" chanted by the 4th edition supporters.
A shifty gaze takes place between two individuals within the courtroom audience. Everyone is required to make either a Listen or a Spot roll against a DC of 25. Eileen rolls a 8. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Thu May 01, 2008 3:29 am; edited 3 times in total
This is all you could come up with when your 7 posts behind? Although I must say, very elegantly put. Clearly a man of few words, but considerable action! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
WELL WE ARE ABOUT TO RECESS FOR LUNCH. HOW DOES THE DEFENSE LIKE THEIR PSUEDO DRAGON STEAKS, RARE, MEDIUM, OR WELL DONE? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
You have to keep up with it, your the star of the thread. Your name comes first, your the one who's always getting into trouble. Hopefully your still enjoying it _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
I'll have my pseudo-dragon well done. Er. Unless the rest of the defense team has any questions I have one more for the Prophetess before lunch break, but don't think I'll be done so soon miss! (Rolls a 26 Spot since I have a synergy for being paranoid and the Shifty-Eyed feat).
Eileen, answer for the court this: With your prescient ability as Istus' most holy servant, did you have advance knowledge before Mr Ragr possibly could that Mr Ragr would break the alleged date for which he is being charged?
No I did not consult Istus on the matter. I do believe she has far better things to do than counsel me on my love life. It was a very serious blow to my well being and reputation may I add. Oh, and I'll pass on the Psuedo Dragon steak, I much prefer roasted duck. Are we going out to eat or are we having it delivered? I'd like it delievered, they delivered the Pseudo Dragon steak. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Okay, mortellan! Killer blow landed by the dude from.......where was it again? (Whisper, whisper, whisper). Ah! Awesome evidential smackdown from the man from Ull! (Go Morty! Go Morty!) If I was spending money for this kind of defence it'd be money well spent.
Enjoying it? ENJOYING IT? How the heck can I be enjoying anything you crazy Prophet. In case it had escaped your notice; I'M LOCKED UP!
I'm not sure what's more disturbing. The word Salmon mousse or the fact Nerullites are openly working a food stand. BTW, this pesudo-dragon sure does beats Ull pot-luck stew! Mmm!
(works on more notes to ask Eileen on the stand)
Ragr, my fine friend, you should be at ease. Last statistics I read, Greyhawk has 1000-1500 convicts in its Prison at the Grand Citadel. 98% are male and 95% are human. The remaining 5% are mostly dwarves, half-orcs, and captured humanoid officers. So either you will be the smallest con in the joint or if I'm right...the court system here will be adverse to locking up a halfling with hardened criminals and will instead put you in a comfy-well fed city workhouse with human children. This case is a win-win! (munches on steak)
Just one thing puzzles me, mort. I'm a handsome gift to halflinghood with a devil may care glint in the eye, Eileen is obviously an uber-babe prophet, bubba's a muscle bound paragon of manhood and Telemachus a shiny sword wielding fellow of rich heritage (and possibly purse). But............. are you really a map with legs?
Not that I have anything against maps with appendages, especially ones that are defending my wronged honour so well. It's not exactly John Grisham, though. Which may be a good thing.
Ragr did it ever occur to you that the map Mort holds will lead you straight to the citadel prison or at best, be a prison of the map to help initiate your escape?
Mort you incredibly gifted representative of the defense do you have any more questions for me or is this rigerous line of questioning over? By the way, I am parched, would you be so kind as to get me a drink of water from the pitcher on the table? Oh also, I am curious, how is it that you found out about this court case and were able to get all the way from Ull to Greyhawk City in time? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
(pours Eileen some water as requested, then sits on the witness stand)
Quote:
are you really a map with legs?
Quote:
how is it that you found out about this court case and were able to get all the way from Ull to Greyhawk City in time?
Ragr, Eileen, I can answer both of you at the same time. Check it out.
Think of that as a 'calling card'. Okay I admit it, I am an expatriate elven wizard from Greyhawk City (don't tell the Orakhan) who because of a certain reputation had to move away to Ull. But as I mentioned before I still have contacts and interests in Greyhawk City that frequently call me away from that evil land. And besides...hey wait a second!
(gets up and swaps places with Eileen)
Ms. Eileen, If Istus was not consulted at all in regard to the broken date as you testify, can any deific consequence for this truly be levied on my client? Is this not Blasphemy but in fact just a simple case of hobniz-jitters? I refer the court to the case of Samwise Gamgee vs. Rosie Cotton, which did in fact end up with them going on a date eventually.
Lastly Ms. Eileen. Referencing my hobniz slang dictionary (Elmshire edition 585 CY) it says 'Bird' means "An attractive girl or woman." Tell me, do you consider this complimentary term to be slander to you?
Why thank you kind sir for the refreshing liquidifcation sustenance, I do believe my parched throat has been momentarily sustained and that I shall be able to continue with this rigerous, near inquistional line of questioning.
But you sir appear to be a bit shaky yourself. I noticed when you poured that glass of water for me that your hands were shaking. Surely my presence cannot make you that uncomfortable can it. Earlier you stated, and I quote:
Quote:
I am sorry for my wordiness before your honors. The presence of a priestess of Istus in the courtroom, though she may possibly be on our side, has me a bit concerned if not over-anxious.
I assure you that I am just like any other self-sacrificing and noble citizen of Greyhawk City. Unless of coarse you meant to say something more, you know of a more personal nature? Did you? Over anxious how?
Now I don't understand this map with legs thing at all, other than the map you once sent me in an attempt to lure me to Ull. By the way, why did you want ME to come to Ull anyway? You do recall sending me a map don't you? I do think you should have sprung for a 5 star inn along the way. I don't like sleeping outdoors. It can get cold and those crawling things on the ground are just so disgusting.
Hmmm....cute picture of you. Why thank you for the personal momento of yourself, very kind. I shall always treasure it as a reminder of the very professionalism in which you clearly presented yourself in these proceedings. A rather good likeness of you I must say.
I must say though, I disagree with your statement.
Quote:
Ms. Eileen, If Istus was not consulted at all in regard to the broken date as you testify, can any deific consequence for this truly be levied on my client?
You state the word "if" when I clearly told you the truth, that Istus was NOT consulted about the date your client broke with me. Using the word "if" is in itself an implication and understanding of the possibility of another reality, in this case, the possibility of another outcome or truth as stated by me. Therefore sir, where as I have taken an oath to tell the truth to not only my Goddess but to all in this courtroom, including yourself, once again, my good name is questioned and dishonered.
Now, in regards to whether any deific consequences can be levied upon your client as a result of spurning me, well that can only be answered by the gods themselves, for they are responsible for their own decisions. I will go on record to say that the actions of one or many may have consequences by those of higher powers just as a parent would discipline a child, or in this case, you are referring to the Gods. Such actions however are conducted by the doctrine of a given faith, and in this case you are referring to Istus I believe. Istus, being the Goddess of Fate, Destiny, Divination, Future, and Honesty allows each individual to choose a number of paths to achieve their predestined purpose in life. This predestined purpose allows the individual free will in accepting how this destiny is to be reached.
Allow me to explain.....
Imagine that you are destined to become king. By the doctrine of Istus, you could be born into a royal family and obviously achieve the title of King through ones birthright. Another possibility is that you could be born a charismatic slave who begins a following of other slaves and peasants and eventually an uprising and revolt against the current king. With the help of others, they eventually are able to attract an army and thus eventually spark a revolution. The revolution could be won and thus allowing the individual to be awarded the position of King by the new citizens of the land.
Yes, our destiny is determined by Istus. How we achieve that destiny or the path we elect to reach it, is chosen by us. Having a predetermined destiny however does not mean nor imply that the individual will suffer consequences of any kind for since the destiny is already determined it is impossible to escape it, thus not being able to escape it cannot in any way result in consequences of improper or undesired behavior. Thus to answer your question, No, despite having a predestined future, one cannot bring about consequences because any such actions eventually lead to the actual destiny of the individual.
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Is this not Blasphemy but in fact just a simple case of hobniz-jitters? I refer the court to the case of Samwise Gamgee vs. Rosie Cotton, which did in fact end up with them going on a date eventually.
Well, I have never heard of the legal term hobniz-jitters, but then I do not profess to be a legal expert such as yourself. Thus I do not believe I am qualified to answer that question. If hobniz-jitters is a serious medical condition I want the accussed to know that I will do everything I can with my spiritual strength to heal Ragr of this said infliction and if I cannot, then I vow to do my best to make his last days in Greyhawk as comfortable as possible. Again, I am not a qualified leach as in referrence to being a medical expert and therefore cannot offer any better answer to your question. Ragr, are you dying? Oh no, Ragr is dying! (Sob), what will I do. (Sob, Sob). Our lives will be so empty. I don't know if I can continue anymore. (Sob, breaks down in full blown tears, dramatically covers her face with her hands, hair becomes disheaveled, mascara starts to run).
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Lastly Ms. Eileen. Referencing my hobniz slang dictionary (Elmshire edition 585 CY) it says 'Bird' means "An attractive girl or woman." Tell me, do you consider this complimentary term to be slander to you?
(Sob, Sob, slowly looks up)....I...I...(Sob), I think, (SNIFF), that....can I have a tissue please.....that your dictionary....is a bit outdated, if that was the intended reference your client was making....(sniff, sniff)....then I would not find it offensive. However, it is irrevelant in asking me if I find it offensive since I was not the one to charged Ragr with Blasphemy or slander. You see, it was................
My father!
------------------------------------------------------------------ _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Psuedo-dragon is good eatin' if you cook it right. Why I remember the siege of Redoubt in '83. Orcs and orcs for miles around and not a thing to eat. We were starving and one of the boys in my company comes in with a skinned carcass.
Eileen; you want a spot check? Like....with no witnesses?
Am I dying? I need to consult with mort? (Whisper, whisper. If I admit that I might be dying a bit, will I get out quicker?)
Btw, can I just point out that, as it seems to be the only charge left, breaking a date with Eileen surely can't be criminal. I mean, all that destiny stuff she's going on about, I can't understand a word. So how would I even know I was being asked out, I probably just agreed to something without even realising just to make her stop with the piety. Wait a minute..... I just remembered something. She can't be that affected by my alleged no show, cos in a previous post she offered to set me up with her Paladin friend. I think that I'm innocent and her father is bang out of order for wasting the court's time.
Err......I probably should have run that past you first, mort "My representative will rephrase my words into the Old Stupidian, or whatever it is, that I know you all like, your loathships".
Yes Ragr, like myself and Mort, you actually have to roll the dice add or subtract your applicable modifier and report your total result. Failure to do so will be well.....I guess a failed die roll.
I look forward to Morts reinterpretation of the events previously transpired. Yea! Should be interesting.
As far as that being the last charge, I will go back and double check. Wouldn't want to short change the tax payer's hard earned coin with a error in the court proceedings now would we? Here's what I found.....
------------------------------------------------
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. ORDER, ORDER, ORDER. AS SENIOR JUDGE OF CASE 666 I WILL STATE THE CURRENT POSITION OF SAID CHARGES PLACED AGAINST THE ACCUSSED:
MURDER OF BOB'S GRANDMA: CLEARED OF THAT CHARGE
THEFT: THEFT FROM BOB'S GRANDMA, THIS PARTICULAR CHARGE WILL BE DROPPED AS THE DECEASED DID NOT HAVE A WILL AT THE TIME OF HER DEATH AND SINCE SHE WASN'T OFFICIALLY BURIED YET, THE BODY OF BOB'S GRANDMA AND BELONGINGS WERE YET TO BE TURNED OVER TO THE CITY OF GREYHAWK. IN OTHER WORDS, FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS SWEEPERS.
BREAKING AND ENTERING: CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES PLACED BY THE TOWER OF D&D 4TH EDITION DUNG.
INDUSTRIAL ESPIONAGE: CLEARED OF CHARGES BY THE TOWER OF NO STUFF TO THEIR NEW FLUFF.
SLANDER: CLEARED OF CHARGES AGAINST THE TOWER OF WE DON'T WANT TO BOTHER GOING TO GEN CON THIS YEAR.
SLANDER: CHARGES PLACED BY EILEEN'S FATHER FOR CALLING HER A BIRD ARE DROPPED SINCE SHE STATED SHE WASN'T OFFENDED AND CLEARLY THERE IS MORE THAN ONE MEANING TO THE WORD.
SPYING ON JACK THE RHENNEE: CLEARED DUE TO FLEEING CRIMINALS HAVING NO RIGHTS.
THROWING ORPHAN BRIAN GRUBBYHANDS OVER THE BRIDGE: GUILTY THUS FAR.
POLLUTING THE SELINTAN BY HURLING INTO THE RIVER AND DANGEROUS NAVIGATION: THIS IS BEING ROLLED INTO A SINGLE CHARGE AND THUS FAR THE ACCUSSED IS CONSIDERED GUILTY.
ASSAULT ON JACK THE RHENNEE: CLEARED AS PREVIOUSLY STATED, JACK HAS NO RIGHTS BECAUSE HE IS A FLEEING CRIMINAL.
BREAKING A DATE WITH MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILEEN: HA! GUILTY BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. TECHNICALLY IS CONSIDERED BLASPHEMY OF A PRIEST/PRIESTESS.
OTHER CHARGES: THE COURT ONLY HAS SO MUCH TIME SINCE SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO PAY THEIR LEASH LAW VIOLATION.
AT THIS POINT IN TIME WE ARE STILL LOOKING AT:
ORPHAN THROWING/ASSAULT GREVIOUS: MUTILIATION (LOSS OF HAND/TONGUE/EYE), HARD LABOR RANGING FROM 1D6+6 TO 1D4 YEARS, FINE ENORMOUS TO STANDARD (25%-95% VICTIMS TRUE WORTH)
POLLUTING THE SELINTAN:2 WEEKS - 2 YEARS HARD LABOR WITH FINES OF 1-20% OF THE CONVICTED PERSON'S WORTH, UP TO $1,000 GP.
BREAKING A DATE WITH EILEEN: 2 WEEKS - 2 YEARS HARD LABOR WITH FINES OF 1-20% OF THE CONVICTED PERSON'S WORTH, UP TO $1,000 GP.
DOES THE DEFENSE HAVE ANY FURTHER STATEMENTS THEY WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS TO THE COURT OR ANY OTHER WITNESS THEY WOULD LIKE TO CALL UPON? BECAUSE OF THE CONSIDERABLE PUBLIC MEDIA THIS COURT CASE HAS RECIEVED, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THE OUTSIDE CROWDS DISPERSED BEFORE FINAL VERDICT IS CAST. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
(whispers to Ragr) If you think it could help to fake an illness, go for it. I am not above theatrics.
(Confers with the legal team after the court's recap, then stands)
Your honors. The charges of orphan throwing are ludicrous and trumped up. (Looks at notes) Brian Grubbyaffairs is a hero because of this incident. If not for Fate interfering, this poor lad would be consigned to a peasant's anonymity for his entire life. Mr Ragr's selfless actions gave this orphan's life meaning. And let's not quibble over pollution of the Selintan your honors. I can march in an expert or two to testify that YOUR city quite regularly and legally I might add, puts trash into the Selintan. One only needs to walk the Wharves and see the outflow pipes of the Undercity and the incredible refuse pile further down-stream where wild dogs and other carrion birds dwell. (Scoffs and tosses paper down)
Quote:
BREAKING A DATE WITH EILEEN: 2 WEEKS - 2 YEARS HARD LABOR WITH FINES OF 1-20% OF THE CONVICTED PERSON'S WORTH, UP TO $1,000 GP.
I have already argued this charge and had Eileen on the stand and Ragr himself has testified that he is confused about who he was intended to date! But if your honors won't reconsider this position, then it's my reccomendation, if my client is willing, to change his plea on this to guilty. Afterall Ragr, 2 years of your life and 20% of your worth may be a deal compared to what you might owe someday had Eileen and you gone on that date!
(passes Eileen a parchment discreetly after his tirade to the judges)
EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
But you sir appear to be a bit shaky yourself. I noticed when you poured that glass of water for me that your hands were shaking. Surely my presence cannot make you that uncomfortable can it.
I assure you that I am just like any other self-sacrificing and noble citizen of Greyhawk City. Unless of coarse you meant to say something more, you know of a more personal nature? Did you? Over anxious how?
It's just hard for a glib man like me to work in the presence of a truly honest person also with divinatory power such as yourself. It is nothing personal.
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Now I don't understand this map with legs thing at all, other than the map you once sent me in an attempt to lure me to Ull. By the way, why did you want ME to come to Ull anyway? You do recall sending me a map don't you? I do think you should have sprung for a 5 star inn along the way. I don't like sleeping outdoors. It can get cold and those crawling things on the ground are just so disgusting.
Yes I remember. That was a map to Lopolla not Ull. I warned you to not go to Ull. Lopolla is full of 5-star inns. Its the crossroads of cultures.
Quote:
Hmmm....cute picture of you. Why thank you for the personal momento of yourself, very kind. I shall always treasure it as a reminder of the very professionalism in which you clearly presented yourself in these proceedings. A rather good likeness of you I must say.
Thank you. But remember, that card is magic. It can Summon me! (Succor spell?) Use it wisely.
FIRST OF MR. MORTELLAN, I SHALL ADDRESS YOUR DEFENSE ABOUT THE CITY POLLUTION LAWS. I AM IN FULL AGREEMENT WITH YOU THAT OUR FAIR CITY QUITE REGULARLY PUTS TRASH INTO THE SELINTAN. THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH YOUR DEFENSE IS THAT....AND I QUOTE YOU
Quote:
And let's not quibble over pollution of the Selintan your honors. I can march in an expert or two to testify that YOUR city quite regularly and legally I might add, puts trash into the Selintan.
SINCE YOU FREELY ADMIT THAT THE CITY OF GREYHAWK LEGALLY ADMINISTERS FOREIGN WASTE INTO THE SELINTAN I DON'T SEE HOW IN A ORC'S EYE THAT IS GOING TO ASSIST YOUR CASE. YOU JUST SAID IT WAS LEGAL. THESE BUSINESSES FOLLOW THE LETTER OF THE LAW AND HAVE THE APPROPRIATE WRIT TO ALLOW WASTE DISPOSAL. YOUR CLIENT DID NOT FILE ANY SUCH WASTE REMOVAL PLAN WITH THE CITY BEFORE THROWING UP ALL HIS MUSHROOMS. TO PUT IN BLUNTLY, YOUR DEFENSE HERE IS TRASH!!!!!
IN ADDITION, MR. MORTELLAN, YOUR DEFENSE THAT BRIAN GRUBBYAFFAIRS IS NOW CONSIDERED A HERO IS ABSOLUTE LUDICRIOUS AND THAT SOMEHOW YOUR CLIENT SHOULD BENEFIT FROM THIS ASSAULT IS ABSOLUTLEY MIND BOGGLING. AT NO TIME HAVE I HEARD ANY SUCH PROCLOMATION OF BRIAN GRUBBYAFFAIRS BEING CONSIDERED A HERO. A LETHAL PROJECTILE PERHAPS, BUT A HERO, I THINK NAUGHT. NOW AS FAR AS FATE INTERVENING, WE HAVE MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOU THAT ISTUS IS A RELIGION AND THEREFORE CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE IN A COURT OF LAW. IF YOU CONTINUE TO PURSUE THIS LINE OF DEFENSE I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT. WHAT'S THAT NOISE COMING FROM OUTSIDE?
At that moment, the court room doors swing open and a young skinny lad in tattered clothing, a sling on his right arm, the left side of his head wrapped in a dirty cloth, with a face full of acne hobbles into the courtroom on crutches.
Ye Onor' I be Brian Grubbyaffairs. I just wannta say that this here halflin' guy, he's tops. A real adventurin hero if ye asks me. Ye see, that their dirty boat'n man, he wasn't just fleein these lawmen, he had this here thing a ma jig (pulls a hand crossbow from his backpocket). Ye see, he was gonna shoot that their man.....(points to Nerof Gasgal). An halfman over here's he an I stopped i'm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At that dramatic moment, Mortellan spots the two mysterious men in large cloaks covered from head to toe standing withinthe courtroom crowd, both smelling of salmon mousse. One is seen readying a spell while the other prepares to throw a dart with a glistening substance on the tip. As they target the judges, their appearance is revealed.....
DRAGONBORN HAVE INFILTRATED GREYHAWK! Metal pins can be seen on their outer garmets which say GREYHAWK SUCKS! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Now that's what I'm talking about! I'm going to cream those 4e £&*^holes with my new found, super-improved Pathfinder modifications.
I waltz up to the 4e scum and say "you 4e girlies, no offence Prophet , better mosey on back to the Tower Of Beige Tedium before us real characters plant one on your insipid, contrived and thoroughly munchkinlike behinds. Ragr, THAT'S right, I said Ragr, don't go pretending you've never heard of me, has been to your masters' tower and was completely unimpressed with both his decor and his fluff. So, I say to you now, YOUR EDITION SHALL NOT PASS! Begone!!!!" And with that Ragr hurls the missile formerly known as Brian Grubbyaffairs at the interlopers, critically damaging both their credibility and whatever excuse for hit points they have. As they fall back from the savage onslaught, he heroically sets about their shins and, before you can say "healing surge" (whatever), sends them crashing to the floor. They try in vain to arrange power cards about themselves but, before they can decide which ones are face up, Ragr coup de graces' them with a good old fashioned hairy-toed non-lethal backstab to the noggin. He then bends over the leader and removes the quest card he had sticking out of his cloak pocket, and rips it into shreds, shaking his head in complete contempt as the words "please like us" disappear into tatters.
With a cool nonchalance, Ragr turns to Eileen's father, rubs his hands together in distaste, and says "more trash for the river, pops". He bows to the crowd and returns to the accused's seat.
Eileen can no longer contain herself. She leaps up, quickly puts on her cheerleading outfit, stands in front of the courtroom audience and begins a cheers for Ragr, with her pink and purple pom poms and all!
ONE...TWO....
DRAGONBORN LOOKING FOR YOU
THREE...FOUR....
THEY SAY GREYHAWKS NO MORE
FIVE...SIX....
RAGR'S TICKED
SEVEN....EIGHT......
THE HERO LAID THEM STRAIGHT
NINE...TEN....
A MOST FITTING END
YAY RAGR!
--------------------------------------------------------
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS ATTACK, WHO ARE THESE ASSASSINS? I DEMAND A FULL EXPLANATION IMMEDIANTLY!
Best post of the thread Ragr, loved it! Everyone's been asking how dragonborn are going to arrive in Greyhawk, now we know! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Sees Dragonborn. Sees the blur of Brian Grubbyaffairs. Sees Ragr launch into action. Sees Eileen cheerleading. Sees an opportunity.
(Twirls toward the judges)
Your honors! In light of this unexpected but timely interruption by these anti-canonical draconian wanna-be's, I ask that all the remaining charges against the heroic Ragr be dropped!
(Figures up his lawyer fees in the back of his head)
The leader of the dragonborn begins to stir. Surrounded by guards and heroes both, the court once again demands to know who they are and whom they are working for.
The dragonborn leader slowly comes around and starts to speak....
Our masters are from the Tower of broken promises. Our mission was to infiltrate the World of Greyhawk and begin making all the necessary changes required by our masters. You see, they have decided that Greyhawk to shall undergo a revision for 4th edition, and it was we who were to prepare the world and make the necessary changes needed. We thought we would start by assassinating your mayor and replacing him with a set of random ruler cards. He's been around since 1st edition and we were getting tired of him. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids!
SCOOBY DOO! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT. IN LIGHT OF THIS NEW EVIDENCE, WE THE JUDGES HAVE CONVENED AND AFTER CONSIDERABLE DISCUSSION FEEL THAT RAGR WAS JUSTIFIED IN HIS ACTIONS OF POLLUTING THE SELINTAN IN ORDER TO CAPTURE A FLEEING FELON. AS A RESULT THE DECISION HAS BEEN REACHED TO DROP THIS PARTICULAR CHARGE.
HOWEVER WE DO STILL HAVE THE CHARGE OF BLASEPHEMY AGAINST A PRIESTESS, THE PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES BEING THAT RAGR ARRANGED A DATE WITH MY LOVELY DAUGHTER EILEEN AND AFTERWARDS FAILED TO MEET THIS COMMITTMENT. AS A RESULT THE VICTIM SUFFERED CONSIDERABLE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ANQUISH. THE COURTROOM ACCEPTS YOUR PLEA OF GUILTY AT THIS POINT IN TIME. IN REGARDS TO THIS CHARGE AGAINST THE ACCUSSED THE STANDARD PENALTY FOR THIS OFFENSE IS 2 WEEKS - 2 YEARS HARD LABOR WITH FINES RANGING BETWEEN 1-20% OF THE CONVICTED PERSON'S WORTH, UP TO A MAXIMUM OF $1,000 GOLD PIECES.
RAGR, COME FORWARD AND FACE THE JUDGES.
IT IS THE DECISION OF THIS COURT THAT THE SENTANCE FOR YOUR CRIMINAL ACTIONS BE THAT YOU SHALL UNDERGO 2 YEARS HARD LABOR AND PAY A TOTAL OF $1,000 GOLD PIECES FINE.
HOWEVER, IN LIGHT OF YOUR HEROIC EFFORTS, THE CITY OF GREYHAWK HAS BEEN LACKING FOR TRUE HEROES EVER SINCE 2ND EDTION CAME OUT AND RECOGNIZES THAT YOU SIR OUR ONE OF THOSE HEREOS. AS THE FINAL PUBLICATION OF 3.5 THE WORLD OF GREYHAWK WILL BE ISSUING A ROGUES GALLERY AND WE WOULD LIKE TO FEATURE YOU ON THE COVER AS WELL AS A 2 PAGE CENTERFOLD AS WELL AS A FEATURE ARTICLE. A THREE PAGE CENTERFOLD IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE YOUR....WELL TO SHORT.
IN ORDER TO MEET THE REQUIREMENTS OF THIS PUBLICATION AND IN AN EFFORT TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY, WE THE COURT OFFER YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO AVOID IMPRISONMENT AND HARD LABOR, ALTHOUGH YOU WILL STILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE $1,000 GOLD PIECE FINE. YOU MAY AVOID THIS PARTICULAR DEBT TO SOCIETY BY GOING ON A SIMPLE QUEST OF WHICH IS BEING PREPARED AT THIS GIVEN MOMENT! IF YOU ELECT TO TAKE THE QUEST, YOU MAY CHOOSE ANY ONE OF THE FOLLOWING....
DOOR NUMBER 1: THIS QUEST WILL LEAD YOU TO A LAND FAR FAR AWAY. A LAND FILLED WITH MANY LURKING CREATURES TO A DUNGEON SO FAMOUS THAT ITS VERY NAME BRINGS FEAR TO ALL WHO MERELY HEAR OF IT. SURELY FILLED WITH CONSIDERABLE WEALTH BEYOND THE IMAGINATIONS OF ALL, IT IS A 1ST EDITION MODULE OF GREAT REKNOWN IN WHICH ITS CREATOR IS SAID TO HAVE REQUIRED DEAD PCS TO HAVE THEIR CHARACTER SHEET FORMERLY TURNED OVER TO THE GREATEST OF ALL DUNGEON MASTERS (REST HIS BELOVED SOUL).
DOOR NUMBER 2: THIS QUEST WILL TAKE YOU TO AN ANCIENT CONSTRUCTION WHICH IS SO OLD....
At the point the courtroom audience and the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 3.5 followers filling the city street unanimously shout....
HOW OLD IS IT?
The judge responds with....
IT IS SO OLD THAT IT ALSO DATES BACK TO 1ST EDTION. IT IS SO OLD THAT ITS CREATER HAS LONG SINCE DISAPPEARED MANY YEARS BEFORE OUR CURRENT WORLD OF GREYHAWK WAS ESTABLISHED. IT IS SO OLD THAT ITS PAGES ARE YELLOW AND CORNERS CREASED. THIS QUEST IS MOST DANGEROUS FOR EVERYTHING OF TRUE VALUE YOU HAVE SHALL BE AT RISK!
DOOR NUMBER 3: LEADS TO A RISING MOUNT OF ANCIENT AGE. THIS MOUNT YE MUST ENTER IF YOU DARE AND NAVIGATE ITS INNER DEPTHS TO DISCOVER THE SECRETS OF AN ANCIENT MAN WHO'S ATTROCITIES AGAINST THE POPULACE OF YESTERYEAR IS LEGENDARY. AS THE OTHER GREAT AND DANGEROUS QUESTS, THIS IS ANOTHER 1ST EDITION MODULE FOR THEY WERE THE DAY IN WHICH TRULY GREAT QUESTS WERE MADE AND EVEN GREATER HEROES AROSE TO FACE THESE CHALLENGES.
ALL OF THESE QUESTS ARE FEATURED IN THE ULTRA LAME DUNGEONEER'S SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR KIDDIES.
SO WHAT WILL YOUR ANSWER BE?
At that point the lights dramatically dim, a giant curtain opens suddenly revealing an inner look at the courtroom decor that Eileen complimented earlier. Eileen comes on stage, with background dancers, the judges eye open wide eyed as she begins to sing Ragr's new Theme Song.
SO WHAT WILL IT BE YOUNG HALFING, A QUEST AND BE A HERO, POSE FOR THE COVER OF ROGUES GALLERY AS WELL AS A TWO PAGE CENTERFOLD, AND A FEATURE ARTICLE, AS WELL AS AVOID PRISON AND HARD LABOR OR SHOULD I TURN YOU OVER TO THE WARDEN AT THIS POINT IN TIME? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Last edited by EileenProphetofIstus on Sun May 11, 2008 12:07 pm; edited 2 times in total
Dear Reader:
Surely the great Ragr will have considerable difficulty in making up his mind. Will he......
Select Door #1?
Select Door #2?
Select Door #3?
Take the prison time and hard labor?
Debate the issue with the judge?
Let Brian Grubbyaffairs decide?
Have Mort decide for him?
Flip a coin before he has to give it up to the judge?
Consult Eileen's great prophetic power to determine what quest he should take?
Flee the courtroom as quick as possible to try and avoid everything, using his new uber Pathfinder abilities?
Elect to take a different action entirely and suprise us all?
Or shall we leave his decision to you the reader......post what you think Ragr should do if you wish to try and influence his halfling thinking.
Also, if he elects to undergo a quest and succeeds, what should his Rogues Gallery layout look like? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Oh, sorry there, mort. Must've dozed off for a sec.
Eileen, for the love of all that we hold sacred, STOP THE SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I've reached a decision. Given my recent heroics I find it a little odd that you should require another service from me, your honour. But, hey diddle ho, if a little piece of Ragr's what you need, a piece of Ragr's what you're gonna get. I choose......(dramatic pause for posing).......... Quest number 2. Because, just like my character sheet, it's yellow and wrinkled at the edges.
Quest number 2, prepare to have your rear-end well and truly kicked. Lock up your daughters, seal up your treasures, reset all your traps and restock with creatures that are at least cr5 because, heeeeeeerrrrrreeeeessssssss Ragr.
Awwwlllllrrright!!!!!!!!
(Whisper, whisper. Hey, mort. You sure there's no way I can get off with a caution?)
Fine, Ragr, if that is the way you feel....Hmmmph.......and while I'm at it I won't cheer, I won't dance, I won't play my satyr pipes for you, I probably won't even pull out my chess game when we get bored on this little quest of yours. I'll just pray for the deliverance of your soul.
"Oh Istus, take this mere shell of a man, ok half-man, or, no ummm half-wit? Anyway, take this Ragr, show him the path of deliverance from his wicked and evil ways so that he may guide us upon this quest of peril. Protect us well so we may serve you. Show us each your chosen destiny so that we may find the path most worthy to achieve your blessings. Please give me permission to slap him up alongside the head everytime he screws up, makes a bad call, and takes us down the wrong hall or opens the wrong door. Please give Mort the authority to shake him down for every copper, gold, and trinket he gathers in order to teach him humblesness. We thank you for this opportunity to serve you and the World of Greyhawk.
Ok, so Ummm, when do we leave, what do we need, and does anyone know where we are going?
Not the praying! Argh! Better the singing and cheering and pan pipes Ragr. *pause* Quest 2?!
Quote:
IT IS SO OLD THAT IT ALSO DATES BACK TO 1ST EDITION. IT IS SO OLD THAT ITS CREATER HAS LONG SINCE DISAPPEARED MANY YEARS BEFORE OUR CURRENT WORLD OF GREYHAWK WAS ESTABLISHED. IT IS SO OLD THAT ITS PAGES ARE YELLOW AND CORNERS CREASED. THIS QUEST IS MOST DANGEROUS FOR EVERYTHING OF TRUE VALUE YOU HAVE SHALL BE AT RISK!
I'm not so confident about the last part my friend. I better go with you to be sure I get my consulting fees. We might need some extra cannon-fodder for this quest too.
*Now hangs on for the answer to where they are going*
On the subject of pan pipes. There's a guy who plays Andean music, or rather, pipe versions of pop hits, every Saturday in Ipswich (local town). He dresses up in all the gear and, believe it or not, actually is Peruvian. Very surreal if you happen to be out shopping.
Anyway, on to more manly stuff. I think mort's bang on with his guesses above. And you know what? I'm so heroic I really don't care. I've seen them all before - well, read them if truth be told. So, they hold no fear for me. In the words of William the quite good writer, "let slip the Halflings of Woarrrgh!"
Well Mort was close. Yes indeed quest #1 was the infamous Tomb of Horrors. Sorry to disapoint however, but quest #2 was not White Plume Mountain and quest #3 was not the Temple of Elemental Evil. So either I gave really bad clues or we as adventurers are way in over our heads. Mort I'm curious about your calls on this one, let me know why you picked the adventures you did based on the obvious lack of good clues.
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. RAGR, THIS COURTROOM ACCEPTS YOUR WORD OF HONOR THAT THIS QUEST SHALL BE CONDUCTED IN A TIMELY MANNER AND THAT YOU SHALL RETURN WITH THE ALLOTTED TREASURE TO PAY YOUR FINE AS WELL AS YOUR SIGNIFICANT LAWYER FEES YOU NOW OWE. BAILIFF, WILL YOU OPEN DOOR #2 FOR OUR ADVENTURERS.
The city streets filled with 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 3.5 fans all waiting breathlessly for the door to be opened as the courtroom drama continues to unfold. Within the inns, taverns, city guard watch posts, and even in the streets themselves, the entire city watches the transpiring of events unfold upon the many +1 magic mirrors of courtroom proceedings strategically placed throughout the city.
The bailiff nervously approaches the door, his hand shaking as he slowly reaches for the handle.
"Hmmm......nothing happened".
The bailiff then tenses his NPC like rippling muscles, bears a stance, grits his teeth, strains every fiber in his being and "Uhhhhhhhh. The door seems to be stuck your Honor.
GREAT, THE FIRST DOOR TO THE DUNGEON IS STUCK. THIS IS WHAT WE GET FOR INTRODUCING NPC CLASSES INTO 3RD EDITION ANYWAY. ABSOLUTE INCOMPETANCE. EILEEN, OPEN THE DOOR FOR THIS TWIT.
Yes, Father, er, Your Honor, but keep in mind I have an 8 strength and therefore suffer a -1 penalty on my strength check. I have examined the door your Honor and determined that it is a good wooden door with a thickness of of about 1 inch, it has a hardness of 5, 15 hit points, and has a DC of 16 to open since it is stuck. According to my calculations, I need to roll a 17 on a d20 to succeed, that only give me a 20% chance of success.
Eileen rolls a 1 and breaks a nail.
The bailiff returns with an axe and begins chopping a hole through the dungeon door. Peering on the other side, the adventures see.......
Quote:
High on a hilltop above the trees and mists that surround Woolly Bay, there stands the ruined Keep of Inverness. The Keep's four towers pierce the dark clouds above, its massive walls anchored deep in the living rock upon which they rest. It must have been potent forces, indeed that brought his once proud keep to destruction.
Taken from the Ghost Tower of Inverness.
HERE IN, YOU SHALL FIND SUITABLE TREASURE TO PAY YOUR COURTROOM FINE AS WELL AS THE INNUMERABLE LAWYER FEES YOU HAVE ACCUMLATED. THIS PORTAL WILL ALLOW YOU IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO THE DUNGEON IF YOU WISH. YOU MAY HIRE A BOAT TO TAKE YOU AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE, OR SEE IF MORT HAS A MAP TO THE GHOST TOWER OF INVERNESS AND HOOF IT ON HORSEBACK. HOW YOU GET THERE IS YOUR CHOICE. GATHER YOUR SUPPLIES, FEED YOUR CAT, AND BE ON YOUR WAY!
THIS COURTROOM IS ADJOURNED. BANG!
Minstrels can be heard in the city streets playing music of appreciation in honor of the adventurers. The true masses of citizens within Greyhawk's city streets can be seen as well at the end of the clip.
Waving to the thousands of people in attendance, Eileen says:
Well, let me get my caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas, a random encounter generator stolen from DI so we know when and what the encounters will be, so we can be off on our way! _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
I've got a set of tools - masterwork, of course - my trusty small knife for peeling fruit and a full pouch of dried porcini mushrooms. I just need to make a quick visit to my insurer to activate my Resurrection clause - I'll need to leave the courtroom in order to do this - and then I'm good to go.
Well Mort was close. Yes indeed quest #1 was the infamous Tomb of Horrors. Sorry to disapoint however, but quest #2 was not White Plume Mountain and quest #3 was not the Temple of Elemental Evil. So either I gave really bad clues or we as adventurers are way in over our heads. Mort I'm curious about your calls on this one, let me know why you picked the adventures you did based on the obvious lack of good clues.
Your clue mentioned a mountain and that's all that came to mind. As for Ghost Tower, I blew that one on a guess.
Quote:
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. RAGR, THIS COURTROOM ACCEPTS YOUR WORD OF HONOR THAT THIS QUEST SHALL BE CONDUCTED IN A TIMELY MANNER AND THAT YOU SHALL RETURN WITH THE ALLOTTED TREASURE TO PAY YOUR FINE AS WELL AS YOUR SIGNIFICANT LAWYER FEES YOU NOW OWE.
Ragr, I think this means you are free to go on your own recognisance.
Quote:
HERE IN, YOU SHALL FIND SUITABLE TREASURE TO PAY YOUR COURTROOM FINE AS WELL AS THE INNUMERABLE LAWYER FEES YOU HAVE ACCUMLATED. THIS PORTAL WILL ALLOW YOU IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO THE DUNGEON IF YOU WISH. YOU MAY HIRE A BOAT TO TAKE YOU AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE, OR SEE IF MORT HAS A MAP TO THE GHOST TOWER OF INVERNESS AND HOOF IT ON HORSEBACK. HOW YOU GET THERE IS YOUR CHOICE. GATHER YOUR SUPPLIES, FEED YOUR CAT, AND BE ON YOUR WAY!
Quote:
Well, let me get my caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas, a random encounter generator stolen from DI so we know when and what the encounters will be, so we can be off on our way!
Seems Eileen has made the choice for us! It shall be overland then. At least we will eat well. I'll teleport back to my secret library in Ull (because if it weren't secret the Uli would use the paper for something else) and fetch a suitable map. Oh yes and my Portable Hole, Bag of Holding and Handy Haversack (you can never have enough storage space).
Well, let me get my caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas, a random encounter generator stolen from DI so we know when and what the encounters will be, so we can be off on our way!
Mort said:
Quote:
Seems Eileen has made the choice for us! It shall be overland then. At least we will eat well.
Not necessarily Mort. Regardless of how I travel, I make sure I have all the necessary supplies and servants. No need to do the work ourselves when there are plenty of menials to do it for me. The choice of travel is up to you two. I meant not to impose a particular choice. Nope, you two decide, I'm just going along to pick up adventuring tips. Feel free to take the portal for those seeking instant gratification. Travel by land if you want to get a suntan before you arrive. I will say though by ship is the least preferred by me. I don't get sea sick, but I have been on a ship a couple of times, and well they always get attacked by something. The worst was when a group of wyverns flew around and finally attacked, feasting on all of the livestock the ship carried. They didn't wear bibs, chew their food with their mouth closed, terrible for conversation, wouldn't share with any of the crew, and left without even saying thanks. They totally trashed the ship. Very rude individuals. We eventually fended them off, but not after one heck of an adventurer (ah the magic of random encounters). So as you can see, the choice is yours to make, I wouldn't want to infringe upon your adventuring rights. Sounds like a lawsuit and I don't want to end up in court again.
Mort said:
Quote:
I'll teleport back to my secret library in Ull (because if it weren't secret the Uli would use the paper for something else) and fetch a suitable map. Oh yes and my Portable Hole, Bag of Holding and Handy Haversack (you can never have enough storage space).
Wow, neat-o, you have a secret library. I don't even have that. Funny you should mention a portable hole, bag of holding, and handy harversack. I have a belt of many pouches to keep supplies in. Lightweight and fashionable. Well I will make a quick trip to the temple and gather my supplies while you to make the travel decisions. Let's see I shall need my mitheral chain shirt, carpet of flying, star of Istus, and cloak of elvinkind and then I am good to go.
Ragr said:
Quote:
I've got a set of tools - masterwork, of course - my trusty small knife for peeling fruit and a full pouch of dried porcini mushrooms. I just need to make a quick visit to my insurer to activate my Resurrection clause - I'll need to leave the courtroom in order to do this - and then I'm good to go.
So your going to bring your plastic picnic knife with? More legal mumbo jumbo with the Resurrection clause, wow, Ragr you sure are knee deep (or is that neck deep) in legal issues. Makes me wonder if you Lawful. I knew there was something about you that I liked.
Wow, this is going to be super fun. I think once we get there, you two should go first. I don't want to be bothered by any thing silly like monsters or anything like that, and with you two in the lead, I will have time to do my hair and nails.
So goodbye for now, meet you back at the Silver Dragon Inn say in two hours, and don't you dare try and ditch me when I'm not looking.
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Gentleman hi, Geraldo HedGold, reporter for the Grehawk Grumbler. Just like to get an exclusive interview with the two of you if I may.
Ragr: How does it feel to be free on your own once again? Do you think this trial has affected your public image at all? Do you feel you had a fair trial? Has this trial put a damper on your breaking laws? We really would like to see you return to court. Clearly your a favorite with the crowd.
Mort: My understanding is that the local toy makers are going to turn you and Ragr into action figures and sell them on the market square. How do you feel about being such a celebrity?
Ragr: Is it really your intention to ditch Eileen and take all the treasure for yourselves?
Mort: How do you think you will travel? The Ghost Tower of Inverness is a long ways away. What will be your route of travel if you don't take the magical portal?
Ragr: Do you have any advice you'd like to give to your many legion of fans out there?
Mort: Are you worried about any competitors beating you to the prize?
Ragr: Have you actually come down with a life threatening disease like we learned during the trial? Are you activating your ressurection clause because of this or do you really think that monsters will kill you and then feast on your remains? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
The choice of travel is up to you two. I meant not to impose a particular choice. Nope, you two decide, I'm just going along to pick up adventuring tips.
Quote:
So goodbye for now, meet you back at the Silver Dragon Inn say in two hours, and don't you dare try and ditch me when I'm not looking.
Okee Doke. *Teleports and is back in less than two hours only to be acosted by the press.*
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Quote:
Mort: My understanding is that the local toy makers are going to turn you and Ragr into action figures and sell them on the market square. How do you feel about being such a celebrity?
Well my intention wasn't to become a Greyhawk celebrity again, but I will be sure to have my people talk to their people. I want a cut of the profits.
Quote:
Mort: How do you think you will travel? The Ghost Tower of Inverness is a long ways away. What will be your route of travel if you don't take the magical portal?
I am sticking o my previous position that we are going overland with Eileen's baggage train. I have just returned in fact, with a map to the famous dungeon. Check it out:
Quote:
Mort: Are you worried about any competitors beating you to the prize?
Not at all, in fact I invite any other treasure seekers to come along with us three. The more body shiel...er...companions on this quest, the better.
All you can eat crab legs!!! Dude, I'm there! Although there better be some real damn crab meat inside those iron legs, and not just some cranky evil gnome, or I'm gonna be pissed.
All you can eat crab legs!!! Dude, I'm there! Although there better be some real damn crab meat inside those iron legs, and not just some cranky evil gnome, or I'm gonna be pissed.
Crab legs to go Smillan or are you joining us on our quest? Your welcome to of coarse, hands Smillan an adventurer application. Here you can fill this out if you like. Remember, Ragr and Mortellan are great heroes and so they need at least 3 references who are not relatives. We need to know your previous working experience, alignment, and I know it isn't considered "appropriate" but race does matter. No Tieflings or dragonborn on this quest. We will also need to know what your current profession is, and oh, your grandmother's middle initial, and the birthdate of your 2nd cousin on your father's side.
And so two hours later, our heroes meet at the Silver Dragon Inn, fully prepared for the mighty trek which lay ahead. With Morts highly detailed map, a passage of journey is determined.
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Well clearly the easiest route shall be River Road to Hardby. From there we follow the coastline until the infamous Ghost Tower of Inverness reaches our sights. Roadway most of the way I say. Perhaps along the way Ragr we can feed that cat of yours. I'm sure its getting hungry by now. I know some waystops along the road which provide barely suitable lodging for the night.
According to this (Eileen reaches into her Belt of Many Pouches and retrieves a 3.5 Players Handbook) the journey to Hardby should only take us about 16 miles a day. By my calculations that means Hardby will take us 10 days, 4 hours, 16 minutes, and 47 seconds, with a margin of 2%. From Hardby, we can take the road a bit further to some place they called Orz, but after that, the journey becomes more difficult. I suspect we can make another 18.249 miles before veering off the trail. Upon the trail our caravan shall make (flips to page 164 of the Players Handbook), uh, let's see, it says......oh, just over another day. So let's see that would be 17 days, 2 hours 12 minutes and 54 seconds of travel before we have to leave the trail. Then it looks like we enter the Abbor-Alz Hills. (Consults map, checks Players Handbook, returns back to map, checks the Players Handbook one more time), Oh, ok, here it is, another 48 miles, 951 feet, 8 and 3/16ths inches. We won't be able to take the caravan at this point, so let's see, we will be on horseback.
Ragr did you get that little horse I offered you a few posts back? I'm wondering what it's movement rate is. Say Mort, do you think we could get a picture of Ragr on his little pony. You know for posterity.
Assuming Ragr rides his 17 inch pony, hmmmm....closest thing we have is a riding dog. The horse looks quite a bit smaller than a riding dog, I'll just halve the movement for dogs, that's what I will do. Ok, let's see riding dog does 32 miles per day, Abbor-Alz is hills, movement rate on trackless terrain is 1/2, that gives us 16 miles, account for the little horsey legs and I get 8 miles a day. It was 48 miles from the trail, let's see that's exactly 6 more days.
I have checked this 4th edition DI random encounter generator and it tells me we will not have any random encounters along the way because they are not fun. The only concern I have is that Greyhawk has not been updated for 4th edition yet so I really have no idea if the darn thing actually works, not to mention the fact that we don't know how long WOTC play tested the system. Point being, that I shall not vouch for its accuracy. (Tosses random encounter generator in the trash).
When we arrive I think Mort should do the mapping. He seems to be rather good at cartography. By the way, does anyone know anything about this place? I have heard of it and I have seen the red cover before in a used magic shop in Greyhawk City, but I always assumed that such maps were fake. I mean, honestly, I know what a ghost is, I know what a tower is, but what is an Inverness? Is this something we should be worried about? According to the Greyhawk Webster dictionary it says Inverness means.....
Webster Dictionary says:
Quote:
a loose belted coat having a cape with a close-fitting round collar
So someone can explain that one to me along the way, because I sure don't see what on earth a ghost and a tower have to do with a coat with a loose belt and cape with a tight collar. By the way Mort, other than great legal skills, what other profession (if any) do you have? Don't tell me you are one of those NPC classes? The other concern I have is once we leave the caravan behind, who's going to hold my pink and purple umbrella for me? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
And what the hell is a dragonborn? I'm not familiar with that "race."
Apparently you weren't watching the entire courtroom drama on the +1 magic mirrors of courtroom proceedings. I can't believe with that kind of drama you took your eyes off the screen for a moment. The only thing we were missing was the white bronco slowly heading down the streets of Greyhawk and a glove that didn't fit. Clearly we had the Dream Team for the defense.
Quote:
I'll hold that umbrella if I don't have to fill out this application.
Well the qualifications for umbrella holding are not as difficult as those for the position of adventurer. I would like to extend my offer to you. If your a sufficient umbrella holder I am also in need of a personal servant. The responsibilities are quite simple, really there is only one in fact, and the job pays very well. I'm sure Ragr will be more than willing to offer you an even cut of the treasure. The only thing you have to do is wait on me hand and foot to my satisfaction. The one simple task you will need to do is keep me happy! Like this: You can do this by........
Holding my umbrella
Doing my nails and hair
Laundry
Laying fresh clothes out for me in the morning
Making breakfast while I pray for spells
Carrying my light mace for me (it gets kinda heavy)
Occasionally taking my place in a fight when I am preoccupied with myself
Wash my back for me
If it is humid out and I start to glisten, remove the beads of moisture from my delicate skin
Rub sun tan lotion on me
Frequently compliment me
And anything else I can dream up that needs to be taken care of
Here's what you don't need to do......
Help anyone else unless I ask you to
Take care of my horse
So if your up to the task, all I need from you is you is to hold up your right hand and repeat after me....
I smillan_31
Promise to wait on Eileen hand in foot
To answer to her every need and desire
To compliment her at least three times an hour during her awakened hours
I vow to protect her with my very life
To accept any sort of punishment should I fail to meet her expectations
And to not complain at all about serving her
So do we have an agreement? _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Sorry, but only about one third of those tasks might involve some chance of seeing your ladyship starkers, and union rules require at least half of my assigned duties meet that criterion when serving a fine nobleborn lady such as yourself. Now I could bend the rules for extra crab-legs every Godsday, and first crack at "seeing to the funeral arrangements" of any disagreeable bastards, begging your ladyship's pardon, we may have to dispatch in the course of this here quest.
And begging your pardon again, but you have to promise to keep that little Ragr feller quiet. Excitable folk those halflings are. Why, when I was back in the siege of Redoubt there was a whole squad of them attached to my company, and they was always going on about "It's like me old gaffer says..." and "Mister Frido is a fine gentlehalfling he is...", and complaining about how there weren't enough rations for second breakfast and elevenses and afternoon tea. Like to drove us all crazy, and besides which with them eating up all the food it was no wonder we were reduced to eating dire sewer rat in no time at all. Maybe it was that "pipeweed" they were always smoking made them so hungry. Every day one of them would say "What time is it?" And the whole lot would answer back "It's 4:20!" And then they'd start giggling and pull out their pipes. And me and the lads would look at each other and shake our head because it was only half eleven. Daft little buggers couldn't even tell time.
By the way, I know some pira... er, sailors who own a none-too leaky coaster that could take us down the river and far as Fishtown. Might save some wear and tear on the little horsey's legs, and they never carry livestock so no worries about wyverns attacking. Plus... Fishtown equals all-you-can-eat crab-legs at Kwalish's House of Crab Legs.
Sorry, but only about one third of those tasks might involve some chance of seeing your ladyship starkers, and union rules require at least half of my assigned duties meet that criterion when serving a fine nobleborn lady such as yourself.
That is a most interesting set of union rules you have. I'm sorry, tell me again what guild you belong to? I realize that this quest is a vacation, but I didn't know I was part of the tourist attraction. I am rather distrought that you don't want to employ yourself as my servant during this vacation without trying to negotiate some sort of better deal. Honestly, I'd let you do my nails, how much more could you want from me? I give, and give, and give and give! And yet you don't even want to fill out a job application! Sigh!!!!! It is hard to find good help these days.
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Now I could bend the rules for extra crab-legs every Godsday,
Well, of our party, your the only one I know of that thoroughly enjoys crab legs. Personally, I prefer roasted duck and the only thing I have seen Ragr ever eat is mushrooms, sandwiches, and as of more recently Telemachus pseudo dragon. Never has he expressed an interest in sea food. As for Mortellan, well I can't really say for certain what he eats other than pseudo dragon steaks as well, but either way I think you are safe with the crab-leg hording you expressed.
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and first crack at "seeing to the funeral arrangements" of any disagreeable bastards, begging your ladyship's pardon, we may have to dispatch in the course of this here quest.
So your a cleric then, wonderful, I get all teary eyed doing funerals. I'm am so happy to place that burden of responsibiity upon your shoulders. From now on, all funeral responsibilities are yours. You never did tell me who your deity is however. I sure hope it isn't Tharizdun, I've sure had my fill of him as of late. The Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil is an awefully big dungeon and Imix I believe had a CR of 17, and then there are those naughty Doomdreamers. Clearly, their parents had some very poor parenting skills. It is a shame to see good folk like this go bad. Sigh, sometimes I think if we just nutured them a bit more when they were children it might make all the differance in the world. I'm sure under the right circumstances, these Doomdreamers could have turned out to be productive citizens of Greyhawk.
I certainly do hope we don't have to dispatch any disagreeables along the way of this vacation. I have my After Battle Prayer close to my heart for such terrible events, but I'm hoping I won't have to use it. I mean honestly, its a vactation, what could go wrong?
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And begging your pardon again, but you have to promise to keep that little Ragr feller quiet. Excitable folk those halflings are. Why, when I was back in the siege of Redoubt there was a whole squad of them attached to my company, and they was always going on about "It's like me old gaffer says..." and "Mister Frido is a fine gentlehalfling he is...", and complaining about how there weren't enough rations for second breakfast and elevenses and afternoon tea. Like to drove us all crazy, and besides which with them eating up all the food it was no wonder we were reduced to eating dire sewer rat in no time at all. Maybe it was that "pipeweed" they were always smoking made them so hungry. Every day one of them would say "What time is it?" And the whole lot would answer back "It's 4:20!" And then they'd start giggling and pull out their pipes. And me and the lads would look at each other and shake our head because it was only half eleven. Daft little buggers couldn't even tell time.
Well usually it is him telling me to be quiet, which I can't possibly imagine why he would say that anyway. I'm mean my angelic voice is surely something to behold. Why I recall many times upon my adventures, how I more than once negotiated our way through great peril. I don't believe I know this Mr. Frido/Frodo fellow you speak of, sounds like a energetic sort of chap though, perhaps we should invite him with since he has experience on great quests. Now the only thing I can say about Ragr ever being in a "altered state" is when he eats to many of those darn mushrooms. He doesn't know it yet, but I do plan on enrolling him into a reabilitation facility once this vacation is over with. In the meantime I think if we keep him mushroom free everything will be just fine.
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By the way, I know some pira... er, sailors who own a none-too leaky coaster that could take us down the river and far as Fishtown. Might save some wear and tear on the little horsey's legs, and they never carry livestock so no worries about wyverns attacking. Plus... Fishtown equals all-you-can-eat crab-legs at Kwalish's House of Crab Legs.
Well I have always enjoyed sailing down the Selintan, did it a few times as a child when I travelled with my Daddy on business. I don't recall hearing of any wyverns along the way, so I am going to let you discuss this with the others. Mortellan, come here, Smillan_31 has a question for you. Ragr, (looks around), Ragr, Ragr? Now where did he go this time? Darn halfling is so hard to keep track of. Well he's around here somewhere. I doubt he would care how we get there. So this is between you and Mort. If all else, flip a copper common.
How much would your sailor friends charge for such passage? Now I am very picky about exactly what kind of vessel I travel on. Image is everything when it comes to travel by ship you know. Does it have suitable cabins? I do require my own personal cabin of coarse, I only travel 1st class, and a 5 star ship is absolutely mandatory. We will need proper entertainment facilities to pass the time as well. Now is this crew of sailors of good standing with the Sailors Guild? The last crew I dealt with all had this thing for Sailor Moon and.....well personally I found the whole thing a bit creepy. They aren't going to sing any of those silly sailor songs are they........the last ship I was on, all they sang was....
That is a most interesting set of union rules you have. I'm sorry, tell me again what guild you belong to?
That'd be the Union of Butchers. No, not the Guild of Butchers, them what's associated with the Guild of Bakers and Cooks. We're closer with the Guild of Embalmers and Gravediggers.
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So your a cleric then, wonderful, I get all teary eyed doing funerals. I'm am so happy to place that burden of responsibiity upon your shoulders. From now on, all funeral responsibilities are yours. You never did tell me who your deity is however. I sure hope it isn't Tharizdun, I've sure had my fill of him as of late.
No, no. Not a cleric as such. More like I'd be in charge of "redistributing their worldly goods" so to speak, seeing as how they won't be needing them anymore. Though I do know some interesting "prayers", most of them in limerick form. I don't hold to one particular god myself. I'm more of a free agent, though I've been known to pray to almost all of the gods at one point or other when in a tight fix.
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I certainly do hope we don't have to dispatch any disagreeables along the way of this vacation. I have my After Battle Prayer close to my heart for such terrible events, but I'm hoping I won't have to use it. I mean honestly, its a vactation, what could go wrong?
Well, you don't worry your head about that. Hate to see any furrows in that fine noble brow, or that shiny little mace of yours getting dinged up any. You just let me and the lads take care of any trouble and heal us up between "terrible events."
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I don't believe I know this Mr. Frido/Frodo fellow you speak of, sounds like a energetic sort of chap though, perhaps we should invite him with since he has experience on great quests.
Again, begging your pardon but Mister Frido ain't a real person as such. It's kind of like when there's a brawl at a dwarf tavern and the watch shows up wanting to know who started it, and all the Dwarves say "Agi Hammerthief." Then they just kind of stand around snickering into their beards. Like when you say "My Aunt Fanny," unless of course you actually do have an Aunt Fanny.
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How much would your sailor friends charge for such passage? Now I am very picky about exactly what kind of vessel I travel on. Image is everything when it comes to travel by ship you know. Does it have suitable cabins? I do require my own personal cabin of coarse, I only travel 1st class, and a 5 star ship is absolutely mandatory.
Oh the Filthy Who..., er I mean the Queen Catherine is a fine boat crewed by the best bunch of Rhenee bargemen you ever laid eyes on. Sober and clean as a congregation of Cuthbertines. I swear to Mient Fanni. Her? Oh she's an obscure Perrender goddess I've had occasion to pray to.
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We will need proper entertainment facilities to pass the time as well. Now is this crew of sailors of good standing with the Sailors Guild? The last crew I dealt with all had this thing for Sailor Moon and.....well personally I found the whole thing a bit creepy. They aren't going to sing any of those silly sailor songs are they........the last ship I was on, all they sang was.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qH1UdnZfYh8&feature=related
Well, the lads have been known to give a good rendition of Sally Brown or Onnwal Ladies on occasion. Not so much songs as shanties, Miss.
I'm more of a free agent, though I've been known to pray to almost all of the gods at one point or other when in a tight fix.
We need to talk about this. Sigh, apparently my influcences have yet to reach your area of the world. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Well I have always enjoyed sailing down the Selintan, did it a few times as a child when I travelled with my Daddy on business. I don't recall hearing of any wyverns along the way, so I am going to let you discuss this with the others. Mortellan, come here, Smillan_31 has a question for you. Ragr, (looks around), Ragr, Ragr? Now where did he go this time? Darn halfling is so hard to keep track of. Well he's around here somewhere. I doubt he would care how we get there. So this is between you and Mort. If all else, flip a copper common.
Sorry Eileen, I was over there posing Ragr for that picture you wanted:
Go by water? Well on the surface it does seem safer than going cross country out of the protection of that Point of Light called the Greyhawk Domain. So sure I know my wizardly feet would appreciate the rest and I'd have more time to finish my book. Heck normally I approve of teleportation but in the court I chose against that since I figured I could charge by the day for my services. A ship is a better compromise, I'll add my passage to what Ragr owes me. We can still bring horses to lug gear (like tools for digging which I overheard Smillan might be good at?) and food (I also overheard something about halflings eating all the rations).
Eileen quickly rushes out of the inn. Several minutes later she returns wearing her chainmail bikini, sporting fashionable and dark eyewear, with a lawn chair in one hand, a cold drink with a long sippy straw in the other, and a bottle of sun tan lotion underneath her arm.
Ready when you are!
Let's go Ragr.....boats a sailing. You and your 4th edition halflingness should be all excited about this trip, boating is now just your thing!
Earlier Eileen said:
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Say Mort, do you think we could get a picture of Ragr on his little pony. You know for posterity.
Oh for cute!!!
I think we should name the pony clip clop! Although I'm thinking if Ragr wants to put barding on his faithful steed it should be made out of aluminum. _________________ Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
Should we move this to General Online Play? It's starting to turn into a free-form PBM game.
Smillan turns toward the High Market across The Processional from the Courts of Justice.
"Let's get something to eat and drink while we hammer out the details. Trying to follow along while a bunch of lawyers gabble in Ancient Suloise makes my head hurt."
He stops in front of a stall where a Perrenlander vendor is grilling skewers of sizzling goat-meat over glowing brazier.
"Mmmm. Khlav kalash! Just like momma used to make."
Smillan speaks rapidly with the vendor in an unintelligible dialect of Common, hands over some coins and turns around with his food and drink. He fills you in on the plans, speaking around mouthfuls of khlav kalash and in between prodigious gulps of rich dark ale.
"So, unless our esteemed Halfling colleague has any objections I'll proceed to make arrangements with my sailor acquaintances. I should be able to get us passage and room in the hold for our mounts for a decent price, especially if the Prophetess is going to be taking the sun on deck in her chainmail bikini. It'll take about 5 days to make Fishtown with stops at Peculiar Manor and Hardby along the way. How's that sound?"
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Looks around.......sees Bubba.....hmmmm........
, honourable folk, to pass judgement on me".
(munches on steak)
"My representative will rephrase my words into the Old Stupidian, or whatever it is, that I know you all like, your loathships".
And yet you don't even want to fill out a job application! Sigh!!!!! It is hard to find good help these days. 